Turns Out... I'm Into It!

#67: My Schoolgirl Fantasy - Exploring Middlespace

• Harley Rabbit

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I got up to some exciting kinky shenanigans this weekend and I can’t wait to share! Slade and I did our most elaborate roleplay yet, which was a CNC schoolgirl fantasy. This has been a fantasy of mine for a long time, and was also my first time exploring middlespace. In this episode I share the details of the roleplay and what I learned, as well as how it felt to explore a more complicated for of ageplay where I was actually getting to sooth some old wounds using the repetition with agency pathway. 

If you are interested in exploring some CNC roleplays with a trusted partner, I am hosting an online workshop in October. You can get tickets here:

Beginner’s CNC Play for Couples Eventbrite (Book tickets)

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Hey, hey friends. It is Harley Rabbit here back with another episode of Turns Out Into It, the show all about helping you discover your kinky self and live your best sex life. I am excited to be back. I missed a week last week because it's been, things have been pretty hectic to be honest. But I don't want to go into all of that stuff today because it's just, all you guys need to know is working in the sex industry is very difficult.

and I'm, I've been having some trouble with getting payments for my coaching because it's sex coaching and well, sex and relationship coaching and companies like Stripe and PayPal are not fans of anything to do with adult content, even though it's not pornography. And, even though I'm not a matchmaking service, even though I'm not in a violation of any of their rules and I've been through them.

they're still not happy with my current website, so I'm having to go through and do things, a little bit differently, which has been time consuming. Hence why I missed last week's podcast. But anyway, this sort of stuff is really frustrating. it does get me down, honestly. It's hard starting your own business, let alone, let alone having to worry about all these extra challenges. but it also kind of adds.

fuel to the fire of like why I'm here and why I think this work is really important because we live in a pretty sex negative world and, I think most of us could do with a lot more support and education and sex, sexuality and desire and pleasure and all of that kind of stuff. then we, we have gotten, most of us have kind of gotten the bare minimum and been told to go on our way and figure it out ourselves, which is.

It's not easy. So I feel like the work that I'm doing is really important and that I'm actually making a big difference helping people. So yeah, as frustrating as this stuff is, it's also a big part of why I'm here and why I'm really passionate about this work. But that said, I have some really fun stuff to talk to you.

about today. I'm so excited. I wasn't even, I hadn't even scheduled a recording for today, but I just couldn't wait until my normal recording day. I really wanted to talk about this. And that is I had a very, very fun kinky weekend. Slade and I got to do a, most elaborate role play yet, which was just, it was amazing. We had the best time.

so I want to tell you all about how that went and, the things that I learned from that play. and also I will tell you more about this at the end of today's episode, but I want to announce that I'm actually going to be running some workshops very soon, which is exciting. so we're going to be covering a lot of different topics, but the first one that was the most popular, when I did a poll for this on FetLife.

was to do a, beginner's CNC workshop, for couples. So for those of you who already have a trusted partner or someone who's willing to do some CNC play with you, I'm not gonna, I'm not going to be going into like vetting and finding anonymous partners and all of that. This is, this is the, the beginner's workshop. we've already got someone that we trust that we want to play with, but not sure how to go about it.

CNC is my absolute favorite of all the kinks. So I'm very passionate about this topic. Can't wait to give you lots of ideas of things that you can get up to with your partner and how you can get around some common challenges. Like a lot of the time we feel a bit uncomfortable, unethical about these fantasies, especially both men and women, but men particularly.

They, they're just not sure about being in the role of an attacker, even if that's something that they kind of am really, are really curious about doing. but also, you know, people that we love and trust and know really well aren't so scary. So we'll be talking about some ways to reduce that familiarity feeling with our partner. and I'll give you a bunch of really fun different scenarios that you can try.

and help you with how to have these conversations with your partner and all of that stuff. I'm going way into way too much detail for an introduction, but I'm just so excited about it. So I wanted to tell you about it. If you don't get to the end of today's episode, there will be a link in the description where you can book a ticket. So hopefully I'll see you there.

Okay, so today's episode is all about this weekend that just went by and the fun that Slade and I got up to. If you follow me on FetLife, you may or may not have seen some of the pictures from this role play, which I am super happy with. Anyway, I'm just going to tell you all about that story and how much fun I had because I learned a lot from this experience and I think I've got a lot to share.

So the idea of doing a role play like this came up because I was planning this workshop and thinking about all sorts of juicy fun ideas and all the different dynamics that can be involved in C &C play. So often we think of C &C play as like a rape fantasy. And generally that's what we mean when we say C &C. But there's all sorts of different ways to play with that.

blurring of consent line. And I say this with like, is consensual non -consent play. Of course, this is always among consenting adults, but it can be fun to play with pretending to blur consent, because that can create all sorts of yummy, sexy feelings that I am a very big fan of. So the context for this role play was we wanted to do...

bit of a schoolgirl fantasy, very common one. So I would be role playing a schoolgirl around the age of 15. And the context was I was hanging out at the bottle shop and well outside the bottle shop and I'd asked this stranger, sexy older man to buy me booze. And he agreed to do that. And then we decided to hang out.

and go back to his place. And then maybe I have a few drinks with him and we watch a movie and stuff and things kind of progress from there. So that was the setup. So you can see this is definitely playing with a non -consensual dynamic here being that I was role playing a much younger version of myself. And also with the alcohol, the intoxication element.

definitely adds to the non -consent dynamic. So two non -consensual dynamics going on in this role play that made it very, very fun. I need to slow down. I'm like speaking at a million miles an hour because I'm excited. Okay. Just calm down, Harley.

Okay.

Now I'm wondering if any of you, when I just gave you the context right there, when I said 15 year old girl, how many of you felt a little knot in your stomach going, I don't know if that's okay. Cause I certainly did. not this time, but when I brought it up with Slade, we both did. And which is interesting because we do have an age play, facet to our

kinky dynamic I identify as a little. And he's will be my daddy and we do lots of, I don't know, kids stuff, cutesy fun, coloring, kids movies, that kind of play. And I've talked a lot about my little space on this show before. So this is a different kind of age play where I'd be role playing sort of mid young teenager, 15.

and for some reason this felt worse, worse is the wrong word, but it, I mean, when we first started with the little stuff, cause it does ultimately end quite sexual. usually when we play in that space, but that felt a bit, further removed than like a 15 year old that feels like.

I don't know. It's just closer to something real, I guess. So we had to talk about this a lot. We had a good chat about the feelings that were coming up around this play. And I'll tell you, to start with, I'll tell you why I wanted to role play a 15 year old specifically. So I've been really curious about middle space.

a long time. Middle space is what it sounds like, so your little space is like very young and then middle space is like your tween to teen kind of persona. And I have been, as soon as I found out it was a thing, I was like, I want to explore that. But the reason I have been a bit hesitant is because it's a little bit more complicated for me than my little space, which is

quite sweet and innocent and playful and fun, you know, that is a lot more of a simple headspace where I feel mostly wanting to be nurtured and quite small and vulnerable, but that nurturing of having my loving daddy give me lots of cuddles and stuff, that's the little space. But middle space for me is a lot more complicated because

My life at 15, 14, 15, 16 was pretty turbulent. I didn't have a very good time when I was a teenager. so I've got lots of really icky feelings around being that age. and I wasn't sure where, like how that would feel if I got myself into that mindset.

of being that age again. Truth be told, when we were planning this role play, was like, I might have to call a safe word. It might just be too much for me. I don't know how this is going to feel. But I also feel like there is a lot of potential for healing in kink. I've talked about, I did a three -part series on trauma.

which I can't remember the episodes off the top of my head, but I'll link them in the show notes.

And I talked about how our wounds are often right next to our core desires, right? They're potent emotions and can often be very close to our turn -ons. And we have this beautiful opportunity in kink to explore some of these feelings that are associated with those wounds in a way that we...

retain our agency over them. So the name for this is repetition with agency. It's when we deliberately revisiting our core wounds that were quite traumatic from our past. We're revisiting them.

but in a way that we have complete control over them. We're choosing to feel them. We are playing with someone that we feel safe with. At any point we know we can stop the play. And what that does is it can have this really powerful soothing effect on those, on those emotions because we're kind of taking control over them. Again, we're reclaiming control, which is really beautiful. So this is something I was really curious to explore in my middle space.

So Slade and I had a big chat about what we wanted to do. and I got to tell you, like I talk about sex all day, every day. It's what I'm studying. It's what I'm working in. and I still struggle to talk about my fantasies with my partner. Isn't that crazy? It's so surprising to me. but it's also understandable, you know?

A lot of us feel more comfortable sharing this stuff with someone we don't know that well. Or for me personally, I can talk about it on a podcast to a public audience and that feels fine. But talking about it with Slade is like, God, what if he judges me? Not that he ever judges me. But there's a lot more risk involved when it's our...

significant other, right? Or just someone that we love and care about and who has a lot of meaning in our life, you know? It's way more risky to share something vulnerable with someone who means a lot to you than it is with someone who doesn't mean much, you know?

So if you have trouble talking about this stuff with your partner, I get it. That's understandable, right? It's not easy. But I encourage you to push through because what the reward of having these conversations is that you get to unlock whole new levels of intimacy and fun in your sex life and in your relationship.

so yeah, had a chat about this with Slade, why I wanted to do it. and we sort of talked about, that feels a bit uncomfortable for me. Let's explore that. and the realization I kind of came to was what's happening in a role play. And this is the point in role play and the beauty of it, right? You are getting to play with these very volatile emotions.

Like in my case, this was feelings of coercion, feelings of innocence, feelings of naughtiness, feelings of being taken advantage of.

These are potent feelings and they can be massive turn -ons. mean, they're not turn -ons for everyone, but we've talked about core desires lots on this show. Those, we each have different sets of emotions that turn us on. and role plays enable us to get up close and personal with some of these core desires, some of these emotions, but we're doing so in a way that only involves consenting adults. So no one's actually getting harmed.

The biggest thing when it comes to age play, the bottom line is, are there any minors involved? No? Then it's fine. Like, are you all consenting adults? Yeah. Then it's fine. Nothing unethical is going on here. It's a way to explore these emotions, these deep parts of ourselves. And it's a way that we can get very, very turned on and very excited.

that doesn't actually negatively impact anyone. So it's okay. You're okay if you want to do this stuff.

The same applies to the other side of the dynamic. If you're wanting to play the role, like in a CNC fantasy, if you're wanting to play the role of an attacker, you know, you might want to feel dangerous and you want to see fear and feel powerful. You know, that's hot. That can feel really hot. And it may be something that you never get to experience in your daily life because you're.

ethics and values make you not actually wants to make someone feel that way. You don't actually want to do any harm, but that doesn't mean that those feelings aren't, they can't be massive turn -ons. So in a role play, we get to experience these feelings and we don't have to feel bad about it. That's kind of the point. That's the bottom line.

All right. The last thing I want to say about this planning stage and this conversation, where you're having this, we bring in these ideas up and talking about what you want to do and what you want to try and like key moments. Like, I really want this to happen. this process can be just as hot as the role play. Once you get over the initial shyness and awkwardness and you push yourself through it and you realize, my, partner's open to this. They're not judging me.

And, wow, they're actually really into it. Me too. my God. And then you both kind of relate like, fuck, how hot would that be? and talk about, you know, I was talking about to slay this key moment that I wanted to feel was like, I want to pretend that I've never, I've never given a blowjob before and I want you to teach me. cause I, some of the, those feelings that like are close to my core wounds are around like.

being really nervous, but wanting to impress the guy and be like exactly what they want. this part of the scene where I'd be like, my God, I've never given a blowjob before. This is really scary, but I'm going to do it. I'm going to, because he wants me to and getting him to teach me makes me feel really innocent. And, it's just.

really, really hot for me. So that was something that I really wanted to make sure that we did in as part of this scene. And the moment I told Slade about it, he was like, that sounds so hot. And then I think we had sex because we just got so turned on by just talking about it. So yeah, that was a big takeaway for me. was just as hard as these conversations can be.

they can be a lot of fun, right?

All right. So the day of the role play, we made sure you planned it for a day. We'd have a bit of time and a bit more energy. so we wanted to wait till the weekend. and I wanted to, like, we weren't going to, we weren't going to start until like late afternoon. so I wanted to in the morning, start getting myself into this head space of embodying my, my 15 year old self.

who isn't me. I actually named her. Her name is Eliza. And for me personally, I actually am such a fantasy person and such a role play person that I hate thinking of myself as me when I have sex. I'm always thinking about some fantasy. I have like a whole bunch of different characters that I can embody and just...

I feel much more comfortable when I'm someone else, like pretending to be someone else when I have sex. So it took me a while to realize that that's okay. That's another episode. But yeah, so for this one, I was like, all right, I'm going to spend some time creating a character, kind of like doing like a D &D character, right? I'm like, all right, so.

What's, what's she like? What are her interests? What does she wear? What's her sexual experience so far? What's her relationship with her parents like, like all this kind of stuff. it's amazing how much of this was a big turn on as well. Like things that aren't directly sexual, but can be really sexy. So I had fun like fleshing out this character. and the big part of the reason I did that is because.

for Slade and I, wanted to have more dialogue in this scene. So we do a lot of role playing, not anything where we're like, this scene would like obviously end in sex, but most of it would be the buildup and, and, interplaying with each other and having conversations and being flirty and like all of that, which we haven't really done a lot of before. So I thought.

building myself a bit of a character sheet would help me kind of improvise in that situation, which was really helpful. So I encourage you to do that if that interests you. But anyway, to get into the head space, I thought I'm going to take myself shopping and I'm going to go get a couple of things for Eliza. Let's see what Eliza wants to wear, which was really fun. I don't know about you, but going shopping.

And buying stuff for like your 15 year old in a teenager is so much fun. Like as an adult, it's like you get to buy the pink glittery lip gloss and the fake nails and all this stuff that adult me would be like, that's cheap and tacky. But nah, there's none of that. We're leading into it. so I had a great time. I found.

The, my favorite item that I found was a, a choker necklace, which were really big in like the nineties, early two thousands. and had this little half moon crescent. You'll see photos of it on my FetLife. And that was perfect. Cause Eliza was like, you know, in that, like it felt nostalgic to me in that age group. That's something I would have wanted to wear.

and it also had like a little bit of a goth undertone. I was a little bit gothy as a, as a teenager, still can be.

So that necklace was really like the thing that transformed me into that character headspace, if that makes sense. It's sort of like a collar. I've talked on the show before about how collars can, you know, that ritual of being collared, of having someone put that collar on you can feel like the transition of like, now I'm in my sub headspace. Now I'm...

let go of all my adult responsibility and I can just let go and be the be a submissive and serve my Dom or whatever it is that you're to do. So this kind of felt like that buying this choker.

The other thing that I bought that I will highly recommend, and I'll talk about this a lot more in the workshop, is I bought a dry shampoo. Not for any hair reasons, but for the smell of it. So what we're wanting to do in these like CNC role plays particularly is we're pretending that we haven't met before.

we're strangers, so we want to introduce some elements of unfamiliarity. Is that a word? we want to make ourselves less familiar. Now, obviously there's limitations for that. Like Slade asked me if I could, wear glasses, like can Eliza wear glasses? And I was like, no, cause she's cool. And glasses are.

Like that's what I wear when I'm working, when I'm looking at a computer screen. So it felt, glasses for me felt like attached to a very adult head space that wasn't, wasn't who I wanted to embody in this character. And we thought, maybe I can change my hair a bit, but I have bright pink hair and a short fringe. Like I'm limited.

in what I could do. I really tried, but I did change it a little bit. I ended up getting like a scrunchie and wearing it half up. And I put a little plait in it, which I've still got at the moment as a little memento. See, I had so much fun. I haven't been willing to quite let go of this character. But so, yeah, you wanting to think about any ways we can make ourselves a little bit less familiar. And it doesn't have to be like a really big change. It can be.

quite small. but I think one of the easiest and most effective ways to do this is through scent. So remember in, in kink scenes, we want to think about all the different senses and smell is really powerful. So if you can make yourself smell like someone else, that is going to be really feeding that feeling of, I'm not just for your partner, but for you too. Like I smell different. I don't smell like me.

and it definitely was working for Slade. He's a big one for smelling my hair, which I really love. So yeah, dry shampoo, works really well for that. Obviously you can use deodorant or perfume or whatever you want. or cologne if you're a guy. but yeah, that was kind of my shopping experience, which was fun.

It's nice to give ourselves a little bit of time to settle in and prepare. I think what you do in the lead up to the scene really counts. Like I'm glad we didn't try and do this after work, right?

All right, so onto the role play. So we thought, so yeah, the context was I had asked this stranger, older man to buy me some booze. so we wanted to go to the bottle shop, which was a little bit of, little bit of public play in there, which we're both very cautious about. Cause, we, know for some people, public play is a massive thing.

but for us, we get a little bit, it can be a turnoff to think that we're involving other people in our play that mightn't be consenting. we are like, obviously we don't want to do that at all. but for some people, the risk of that can be really exciting. but for us, not so much. we were extra careful. so we decided that I would stay in the car. Well,

What we decided was, and this is a really good tip for just making things a bit more practical, is the whole idea of like me meeting him and then asking him to buy me the booze. That's really fun, but a little bit difficult to do because it would need to be in public. We couldn't really do that at home. And I'm like, I forgot to mention this, I'm dressed in full school uniform, right?

So it's pretty obvious that we're up to something. A bit sus. So I didn't want to be in school uniform, role playing, asking him to buy me booze outside the bottle shop. No, not for me. So we decided to start the scene as if that had already just happened. he's like, I'm in his car and we're driving to the bottle shop. And that worked really well. It's just way easier to do it that way.

So we got in the car, went for a drive and decided at some point on this drive, Eliza is going to appear and we're going to fall into character and just see how that goes. And we thought we'd lean into the awkward because I figure if this was like, if I imagine being in this situation, I would be super nervous and awkward with some strange guy like in his car. And I knew role playing would feel really

nerve -racking and awkward. I'm like, all right, I'm just going to lean into that and use it, which was great. but we, we had a little bit of a chat. and he asked me about school and I told him about my friends and some of my teachers. This was really easy because I was just accessing real memories. It's like, I remember these teachers really loved me. I remember this particular day in math class. So I'll tell him that story.

So you're accessing stuff that's real, that can be really helpful in that improvising and getting you in touch with that, those nostalgic memories, like getting you into that head space of being that age, you Something I will, I forgot to tell you, which was important about my character of Eliza. So yes, she's kind of me, but the reason why she's not me is because my idea for Eliza and what I wanted to experience.

was that she was the girl that I wished I could have been at that age. Right? So when I was 15, I really just wanted to be cool. I wanted boys to like me. I wanted to be really confident and like flirtatious and sexual and all of that. But I was 15, so I was super awkward and self -conscious. So Eliza is who I wanted to be.

So that was like my character, what they call it in theater? Inspiration, character motivation? Yeah, something like that.

So yeah, this role play would allow me to maybe kind of resolve some of those wounds or feel, I don't know, get to feel those things that I really wanted to at that age. I'm glad I didn't. I'm glad I didn't do this at 15, because it's probably not the safest thing to be doing. But it's fucking fun to role play it as an adult. So where was I? Yeah, so we're having a chat in the car.

and we stop at the bottle shop. I wait in the car. I actually had a hoodie. It's a Marilyn Manson hoodie that I bought when I was either 14 or 15. And I used to wear it to school and I've still got it. It's my favorite hoodie. So I wore that over my school uniform. So it was less public. Again, no one could see that I was in school uniform, but I was like, I still had the tie on and the tartan skirt and everything. But I was able to.

keep that bit more private while we were out and about.

Yeah. So Slave went in, got some booze. and then we had a bit of a like, so what are you, what are you doing after this? Like, nothing. What are you doing? I don't know. Like maybe we should hang out. It's like, all right, do you live near here? Yeah. Okay. so we went back to his place, his place in inverted commas. and that was fun. Like getting to.

enter the house, the space that we were going to really play in as Eliza. That was really cool. And just pretend like it was all new and I'd never seen it before. Introduce myself to his cats. And what really surprised me was I thought I would really struggle with this. Remember, this is my first time doing such an elaborate dialogue improvised role play.

And once I got over that initial unsureness, it just felt really natural to the point that this was not intentional at all, but my voice was different. It was a slightly higher register and just a little bit more innocent and cutesy than I normally would speak in.

And it just, it didn't feel awkward at all. Like it felt really natural. And I don't know, I'm surprised because I can be pretty self -conscious and in my own head. And this was way easier than I expected. so one, one for my mom used to say this all the time, feel the fear and do it anyway. Were you like, I don't know how I'll feel about this. This might be really uncomfortable, but I'm going to give it a shot.

And turns out I'm into it. I'm great at it. So yeah, we got back to his place. We discussed that we'd maybe put on a movie and I would have, well, we would have a couple of drinks. Slay doesn't drink. So he was drinking non -alcoholic beer. I was drinking my vodka seltzes. And this is the only thing I would change if I was going to do this again.

And I definitely am going to do this again. I don't really drink much these days because yeah, it's like, doesn't drink. don't really feel the need most of the time. so I'm a massive lightweight these days. I only drink when I go out and even then I don't go out a lot. So I thought, all right, I'm going to have two drinks and that'll be enough for me to feel.

like lean into being drunk, because that was part of the plan was that I would get a bit messy and, and that would be part of the, the CNC dynamic, right? The intoxication, but I didn't want to actually get super drunk. again, we can pretend, but I thought, yeah, if I have two drinks, I'm going to be able to really lean into that. but turns out I think I was quite nervous.

Like even like I was role playing being nervous as well. And it was an exciting new experience. So I just didn't feel drunk. I just, I was not feeling the booze at all. And I just kept drinking and I did drink more than I would have wanted to. in hindsight, I was a bit like, I didn't, well, spoiler alert, when we skip ahead to the sexy part, I couldn't come because.

booze makes that a lot more difficult. And I really, really wanted to cause I was really turned on. there's a bit of a downside. And also once we'd finished, I was like, fuck now I'm drunk and I just want to be normal now. so yeah, no to self, maybe not so much booze, but it's fine. I'm, I'm an adult. I can make my own decisions even if they're not the best sometimes.

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself. so we come back to his place, we put a movie on, have a few drinks, have a bit of a chat. and I, I was asking him stuff like, does he, does he have girls over here often? And like being a bit, being a bit flirtatious. and then something, this was a great coincidence, but something on the movie was talked about taking photos and this was something we had.

negotiated beforehand we wanted to do. but he asked me, you, do you ever take photos of yourself? And I'm like, embodying my teenage self, like, yeah, like just for Instagram, you know, I like taking photos. and then he'd be like, well, maybe I could take some photos of you and then I can be all coy and like, yeah, that sounds fun. and then he gets his phone out and just starts taking some.

some pictures. This is another one of my kinks is exhibitionism. Love, love getting photographed. And you know, that gave us a good segue to like progress the scene where he'd be like encouraging me to undo a button and maybe, maybe we could take some photos in the bedroom and like, so we had a lot of fun playing with that.

I was just like being confident Eliza that's just like, yeah, take, take photos of me like this and smiling and being all cute and sexy. I don't know. It just was a lot of fun, to play with. it gave us, I, it was a really good catalyst to progress the scene into something quite sexual. so yeah, like Slade.

got me to take my shirt off and undo my tie. And, and then, yeah, I will leave some of those details to your imagination, but things got, this was the part that I felt like that sweet spot of those core desires that I talked about at start, these feelings of being coerced, feelings of being a bit shy and a bit innocent.

wanting to be naughty, like I want to be bad. Like, I'm, I'm with this stranger and this is really dangerous. but I'm not sure if I want to do this, but I, I feel like I don't want to, I don't want to upset him. I don't want to disappoint him. I really want him to like me. this, like, I really want him to like me is something I really struggled with when I was much younger. Still do, to be honest, but that's a, that's one of those core wounds that.

I was getting to explore with agency. So this is the beautiful thing about kink. I am getting to experience this feeling that's a real hurt in me of not feeling good enough, of always people pleasing and wanting to be sexy and wanting to be wanted. And when I was younger, there was just this real, all I cared about was just.

Especially with men, like I want their attention. want them to notice me. And I was always worried about, am I good enough? And sorry, this is getting a little bit deep, but fuck it. We'll go there. so those feelings when they were happening in real life were really quite traumatic and, did a lot of damage to my self -esteem and it was not, not a great place to be in. But now as an adult in a kink scene.

I get to revisit those same emotions, but I get to feel them by choice. And all the while knowing that I have someone who loves me and accepts me for who I am and who sees me and thinks I'm sexy and beautiful. Like I'm not afraid. There's no like real fear there. It's like, I'm getting to play with these feelings in this role play.

I'm playing with this feeling of wanting to please this guy and wanting him to like me. All the while in the back of my mind, I know it's slayed and he loves the shit out of me. So all of this is just fun and safe. Like I get to feel that emotion, but in this really safe way that has a lot of agency around it. Does that, does that make sense? Like this is that repetition with agency.

pathway that I've been talking about. think this was a really, really clear example of getting to experience that at work and going, fuck, this is fun. This is healing. This is beautiful. And fuck it is hot. Like, Jesus, this was turning me on so much. I was like, whoo. Okay. yeah. So.

Anyway, I just really wanted to drive that point home because I think that was like, when we talk about the ethics of age play and CNC play and kink and all of that, this is the side that people don't understand. And this is what's really going on when you're doing it well and you're doing it. I hate using the word healthy, but in a healthy way, in a consensual way with agency, with trust, that's what kink should be. And this is like an example of how.

incredible it can be both for, you know, I say it's, it does have this healing effect, but I don't want to make out like that's why we're here. We're here because it's hot and it's fun. Right. And that's in itself is a good enough reason to fucking love this. Right. And do it. So, where were we? Yeah. Lots of coercion, lots of drinking. And I started to like lean into that, like, I've had a lot to drink and

getting a bit messy and, just feeling his hands on me and stuff and letting myself pretend like have those thoughts of like, don't know if I want him to touch me, but, I like just, I feel so drunk and like, yeah, I'm, I'm role playing these feelings, but those feelings are triggering those court desires, right? Sorry. Those thoughts are triggering those court desires. So I'm running thoughts that are gonna.

push those buttons, gonna make me feel that coercion, make me feel that being taken advantage of, right? So that's a big part of it, of like actively being involved in your own arousal is deliberately running those thoughts and fantasies that are going to press those buttons, right? Okay, so.

Yeah. And then next we, we progressed to me giving my first blowjob, was so fun. and things obviously got very sexy from there and it was great. So good.

Yeah, this like, the drunk girl fantasy is like one of a few ways that makes like where you get to invite those that consensual non consent dynamic. But it meant that I could be playful and not so resistive. And that was something that we wanted to explore in this role play because

I think for us, at least this time around, if I was role playing, doing the age play as well as a very resistive scene, that could have been a little bit too intense for us. So we wanted to start with something that was a little bit more, more on the coercion, intoxication kind of thing, rather than like a physical assault. Like it still would be like a physical assault, obviously, if it was real, but it's definitely not. So.

I hate it and I hate talking about like, I don't want to compare this to a assault because that it's, that's so different. I don't, don't want to even put them in side by side because yeah, no. Anyway, yeah, so the intoxication, even though I was a little bit more drunk than I wanted to be, I would have rathered of.

know, how to drink or two, but more role played the messy drunk. but that allowed me to, to feel coerced, to feel a bit out of control, to feel taken advantage of, to, to really poke me in the, the CNC button. so yeah, that was pretty much it. we had so much fun. I am so surprised at how

like easy this was and how much fun we both had. I was expecting I'd need a lot of aftercare, but I didn't really, it didn't feel at any point, I wasn't like, this is making me feel things. I'm not sure if I've like, that might be too much. I, it just all felt really fun for me. So that, that was great. yeah, the only aftercare I needed was to.

to like sleep off the alcohol after a while. That said, the next day I did have some sub drop. So I haven't had sub drop in ages. Sub drop is basically like after you've had a real like naturally endorsed high from a kink scene. And then the next day you're quite depleted and those you kind of coming down off that all those neurochemicals. And I did feel a bit.

Just a bit sad and weirdly, it was so nice to be 15 again in this context. know, I got to like completely let go of all my adult responsibility and just feel really cool. Like the only thing that matters at that age is that you're like people like you, right? You're accepted and validated. And I was getting that met.

Cause in this fantasy, I was being totally validated by this older, cool guy that was like, you know, a stranger and like, was being naughty and sexy and confident and all of those things that I really, that were really important to me at that age. So I was feeling great about myself. And the next day it was like, I kind of want to go back there. Like, can I just be Eliza? That was way simpler than.

dealing with real life stuff. and I think we can face that a lot in kink, especially as a submissive. It's like, so nice to just escape reality for a while, you know? so yeah, I did need a little bit of care yesterday, some cuddles and reassurance and, just needed to kind of get back in touch with myself. And honestly, Subdrop sucks, but it's...

not going to last, you know, I knew what it was. I think if you're not expecting it, can take you by surprise. And I haven't had it for ages. So yeah, it did surprise me a little bit, but I was like, I think this is, this is why. Anyway, so that's my story. I hope you enjoyed hearing about Slade and I's schoolgirl role play. I hope you learned some things. If you thought that was sexy.

And you're curious about CNC play and maybe doing some more CNC role plays with your partner. I, as I, as I mentioned,

I am going to be running a workshop on this very topic. So I haven't got the dates picked just yet, but I'm sure there'll be a link in the description or I'll jump in with a, with an edit and let you know the time and date details. But basically I've written the content, I've written the presentation. We're going to be covering, so this was.

kind of one of them, the drunk girl fantasy definitely had a school girl fantasy element in there as well. But there's four different scenarios that I'm going to give you of CNC role plays that are, a lot like just as fun, but a little bit more practical. So something like an abduction play where we often go there, cause that's like the ultimate, that can involve like public play. can involve heavy resistance and that can be a lot like.

personally, emotionally to deal with that. And it's also logistically a lot more challenging, a little bit more dangerous as well. So I'm going to give you some other scenarios like this one that are definitely going to hit you in the CNC buttons. But will be good ones to start with if you're new to this. You know, you can definitely wake yourself up to an abduction fantasy if you want. That's certainly on my bucket list.

But this was an awesome stepping stone along that journey. Also in that workshop, I'm going to talk about some of the most common barriers to CNC play. That's the ethical, icky feelings. Like, is it okay to have these fantasies? We talked a little bit about being very familiar and feeling really safe with your partner. Like, how can we make ourselves less familiar and amp up the...

feelings of fear and anxiety and all of that, if you want to have those feelings. What else was there?

Yeah. And then we will also talk about how to have these conversations with your partner, how to bring it up, how to, how to talk about it, what to ask, what you should include in your planning. also props and tools that can make play very fun. All that stuff. it'll be a lot of fun. can't wait. This will be the first workshop I've run and I'm looking, well, I've, I've run other workshops, but not in kink.

So I'm really excited to see how that goes and hopefully I will be running quite a few of them over the next few months. So keep an eye out for that. If you want to stay in touch with new workshops, definitely jump on my mailing list. I'll put a link to that in the description. And what else was there?

if you can't make the date and time, if you buy a ticket, I will record the class and you'll be able to watch the replay. So it's too hard with time zones. I'm in Australia and, a lot of people I know listen from the States and other parts of the world. So, and lots of us work different hours, whatever availability is hard. So there will definitely be a recording, so you can watch it in your own time or you can watch it with your partner. And when you've both got some free time.

Anyway, I will leave it there. Hopefully you've enjoyed this episode. certainly have. If you're following me on Fet, definitely check out some of the pictures from this role play.

You can check out Eliza. Thank you so much for listening. Till next time, play safe, have fun, and I will catch you soon.