Turns Out... I'm Into It!

#72: Permission to be Sexy! Lessons from a Burlesque Class

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In this empowering episode, Harley Rabbit dives into the topic of sex positivity and overcoming shame around sexuality. Sharing personal stories, including a formative memory from high school and a transformative recent experience in a burlesque dance class, Harley explores how societal messages shape our views on expressing sexuality. Harley reflects on reclaiming self-confidence and finding permission to be authentically sexy in a world that often discourages it.

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Hey, hey friends, it is Harley Rabbit here. Welcome back to another episode of Turns Out I'm Into It, the show all about helping you discover your kinky self and live your best sex life.

In today's episode, we are talking about sex positivity, one of my favorite topics. There is a lot of shame and judgment around sex in the world, and the more conversations we can have about embracing our sexual selves...

instead of hiding it, the better in my opinion.

In this episode, I'm going to be sharing a little bit about my own personal journey through coming out of my shell. I used to be and still am sometimes believe it or not, quite shy and embarrassed to show my sexual self. obviously I've done a lot of work on that in recent years, but it's taken a long time. And for a long time, I believed that I honestly was not sexy enough

to receive attention in that way. I thought that...

That was for other women who were much hotter than me and I didn't deserve it. proudly share photos of myself, sexy photos of myself on my FetLife. I've done camming. I talk about sex on a podcast all day. Obviously, I'm really proud of my sexuality now and have embraced this side of myself. But I know for a lot of you listening out there,

just how hard it can be to let yourself lean into this stuff,

So that is what we're gonna be talking about today, calling out the world for shaming us and making us hide our beautiful sexuality. And we're gonna look at some ways that we can start embracing this part of us instead.

Before we jump into all of that, little life update for you. I just finished my second module of the advanced training of Somatica, which was so much fun. I am learning so much, honestly.

Yeah. Talk people encourage you to be sexual and allow you to be sexual. hanging out with all my awesome classmates and listening to these lectures and doing these practices. It is just so sex positive and encouraging. but it also, in these first two modules of advanced at least has been focusing on

Like, yeah, there's a lot of sexy stuff, but the more we get into it, the more we realize that before you can even get to sex, there's a lot of emotional vulnerability that you have to get through. so I've been learning how to better support people through their vulnerabilities and helping them to feel into their emotions and process their emotions. cause we need to be able to feel and be connected with our body before we can.

be sexual, right?

before we can feel arousal and desire and pleasure. There's a lot to get through. So that's been, I don't know, I'm so grateful to be on this journey, honestly. It was such a sliding doors moment, I guess, for me to go into sex coaching. It was something I happened to stumble upon and I feel like the barrier for me was crazy because I'm based in Australia and the course is based in the US. So I've been.

know, starting classes at 2 a.m. or 2 30 a.m. at the moment.

But I nearly wasn't going to do it. And Slade said to me one night just before we were going to bed, he's like, are you setting an alarm to go to that information?

talk. That's at 4am tonight. And I was like, I wasn't going to, I thought I was crazy for thinking that that was something I could do. And yeah, so thank you Slade for supporting me making me see that this wasn't a crazy idea after all. It's actually been one of the best things that I've done.

So I am, started this about a year ago, October last year, 2023. And I've got about four months to go before I'm qualified, which is really, really exciting and terrifying because the more I learn about this stuff, the more I realize I don't know, but it does mean I want to work with more clients and get my practice up. So my rates at the moment are really, really cheap.

That's a growing edge for me is learning how to charge for my services. But if you want to take advantage of that at the moment, head over to my website, harleyrabbit.com and book a connection call with me.

All right, let's jump into today's episode.

Harley (05:15)
I want to share with you guys a story, a personal story of mine that I've noticed keeps coming up anytime I experience shame around sex and my sexuality.

And the story is back when I was in high school, I think it was early high school, was like year seven or eight. There was a school performance night on and we had to put together performance. You know, we were doing small groups and we were gonna perform. I love performing, always have, so I was totally up for that. And I can't remember why, but for some reason,

I was loving Christina Aguilera's Genie in a Bottle at the time, realizing I'm probably showing my age there.

But I loved the film clip. I was really into watching film clips at my nan's house when she was babysitting us on video hits. Does anyone remember video hits? There was rage and video hits in Australia anyway, which I used to watch all the music videos. Anyway, I wanted to choreograph a dance routine with my friends to Jeannie in a Bottle.

Now I don't remember the routine specifically, but it was, it was definitely on the sexy side. You know, I was watching all of these music videos, pop music videos in the early 2000s. I assume they probably haven't changed that much, but back then they were definitely very, very sexy. and I was a young teenage girl and I wanted to be like Christina Aguilera. I wanted to be like Britney Spears. I wanted to be like Shakira.

You know, where we model ourselves off of these pop stars. And I wanted to know how it felt to look that sexy and beautiful and.

show off my body and get all that attention for how beautiful and sexy I am. That sounded awesome, right? So me and my friends got together and we choreographed this dance routine to the song. And I think it was pretty sexy, right? There was definitely some chairs involved. We had our guy friends,

they were all sitting in the chairs and then us girls were like doing a bit of a dance and

I don't know, pulling off their school ties or whatever it was. It was pretty sexy, right? now I don't, I'm not like as an adult looking back, I get that this probably was a lot, probably a little bit inappropriate for young, underage school girls to be dancing like that at a school concert. But at the time I didn't really understand that I was doing anything wrong. or why that would be wrong.

I was just modeling what I was watching on TV and exploring my sexuality and feeling fucking confident to be honest. So we did this routine and I spent ages on it and we like got it all right and we would be rehearsing at lunchtime, all of that. I'm so excited for the big performance. And then, I don't know, maybe a couple of days out, my teacher at the time, one of my teachers at the time came in and saw our rehearsal.

And I remember the look on his face. He was horrified at what we were doing.

And he was just like, no, no, no. my God. can't know. Like, I feel like he saw his career flash before his eyes, right? It really upset him. And he was a teacher that I loved. had a lot of respect for him and I didn't really understand why he was so upset.

Anyway, we ended up having to change the routine a lot, dumb it down, a lot. I can't remember what we actually did, but even on the night we still got to do it. And I know it was nothing like I wanted it to be, but it was still a fun dance routine to a cool song. and I remember, yeah, the other thing I really remember from that night was my sister.

I have an older sister. She would have been like 15 at the time. And she was so embarrassed. She was like, my God, like, I can't believe that's my little sister. What is she doing? which surprised me too. I didn't understand. Cause I thought my sister was very beautiful and confident and flirtatious. And I really envied that about her. I wanted to be like her. So I was really confused about why she was so embarrassed about me.

expressing like dancing in this way and being confident and sexy. So that experience was, the first time I really tried to show some sexual confidence about, damn, I'm cute, I'm hot. Like I deserve attention, I can dance, look at me. The first time I did that, I got met with

horror and embarrassment from two people that I really looked up to.

And that has stayed with me forever, my whole life so far. I didn't realize how much it had affected me until I started to realize how often that memory popped into my head. Anytime I felt shame about showing my sexuality, I'd be like, that Christina Aguilera dance routine, straight back in my mind.

Harley (10:37)
And you know what I wish someone said to me in that moment, instead of just shaming me for exploring or expressing my sexuality? I wish they'd said, Harley, it isn't you. You are beautiful. You are sexy,

But it's the adults in the room that can't handle how that makes them feel. it is not your fault. It is their fault. It is their problem. the world does not know how to handle when women under the age of 18 are hot. They get really uncomfortable with it.

As someone had explained that to me,

that it wasn't that I was embarrassing, it's not that I had done anything wrong or had anything to be ashamed of. I actually had a lot of power in that moment.

I would have internalized that whole memory a lot differently.

Instead of being ashamed of my sexuality, I might have realized how powerful it actually is.

Anyway, that was that memory.

Harley (11:39)
Now, I don't know if this is really relevant, but maybe it is. Take what you will with this, but...

that teacher who I really looked up to who was horrified by the dance routine has since been.

found guilty of sleeping with his students, his female students. So turns out he was a sexual predator. So maybe his reaction was a little bit more to do with him than it was to do with me. I don't know. Would a different teacher have reacted differently? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. But what a fucking shame

Because it's just so disappointing, you know, when you have these people in your life who you look up to and they turn out to be fucking assholes. Anyway, that's not really what today's podcast about, but I couldn't really talk about, I couldn't really tell that story without that added bit of context.

Anyway, this memory happened a long time ago, but I've noticed, I said, anytime I put myself out there and lean into my sexuality, anytime I give myself permission to be like, I'm hot, you know, take a photo, look at me.

Anytime I'm dancing with my girlfriends at a festival or at a club or something. Haven't done that for a while, but.

Anytime I post photos of myself on FetLife that are intentionally sexy, anytime I jump in front of a camera doing camming, although I haven't done that in a while as well, but basically...

It's like anytime I have the thought and see if you relate to this, it's anytime I start to believe that I am hot enough to do this, that I have, that I deserve to be one of those girls that's looked at as hot and sexy. Anytime I let myself feel that way, there's this bit of shame that comes in and it's like, remember how you, you, how much you embarrassed yourself in high school. What if you're embarrassing yourself right now? What if no one wants to see that?

What if they're watching you right now going, God, just stop.

awful that we do this to ourselves.

As a side note, I don't know if I've told you this story before, but it took me until I was 30 years old before I allowed myself to shop at Bras and Things, the lingerie shop. Because I literally didn't feel like I was allowed to be in there. Like, you're not hot enough to be in this store. What are you doing thinking that you're sexy? Like, God, get out. you're the dorky girl, right?

The happy ending to that story is I now shop there all the time and I feel great about it. cause I know that I've conquered that, that stupid belief that was holding me back, but it took a long time.

So when we shame our sexuality, especially when we're young, that can stay with us our whole life, right?

And that goes for men, for women, for all genders.

We are taught that our sexuality is something to hide.

It's something to be ashamed of as women, especially it's something to be ashamed of. You do not act like a slut. You do not let people see that you want sex. That is cheap. That is un-ladylike. No. And for men, and I'm definitely generalizing here, but men are generally taught that their sexuality is dangerous, that women do not want to see that, that it's unsafe and they have to keep that desire hidden.

at all times to be a safe person for women to be around.

Essentially, the world we live in would like us to not be sexual at all, to never have a sexual thought, and to not act in a sexual way at any time except in the marital bedroom.

And then once you're in the bedroom with your spouse, then you got to turn that on and you got to be good at it.

even though you spend the entirety of your waking life shaming yourself or being afraid of your sexuality, suddenly, we're in the bedroom, we're behind closed doors, I'm with my husband or wife or whatever. Now I've got to turn it on instantly and I've got to perform. I've got to be ready. I've got to be sexy. I've got to pleasure my partner. How the fuck do I do that? Where do these skills come from?

Right? It's such a ridiculous expectation. That's like, not only are we not allowed to be sexual, But we also have to be extremely good at sex at the appropriate time without any coaching or training or education or practice for fuck's sake.

I'm not just trying to like plug my coaching, be like, I can show you how to be good at sex. That's not like, that's not where I'm going with this. Yes, I can support you, but, my point is just that we're expected to know this stuff without having a chance to learn. And most of the time we learn this stuff through practice, through feedback, through trying stuff.

But yeah, it's very difficult to do that when there's so much sex negativity in the world. There's so much taboo and shame around it.

even things like masturbation. You know, we're told that that is dirty and shameful and that we shouldn't do that. Why? It's perfectly healthy. It's perfectly natural. It's good for us. It's really relaxing. It's a way for us to be in touch with our own sexuality. There's nothing wrong with masturbating.

What's wrong with having an orgasm? Come on.

Anyway, we've all been taught to compartmentalize sex into a bedroom only activity and basically block that part of our psyche off throughout the rest of our, every other part of our life. Now I talked about that a couple of episodes ago. I can't remember what it was called.

But where I was talking about bringing fantasy into like allowing yourself to fantasize when you're out and about. I think I talked about being out on a walk and then seeing a sexy jogger and being like, imagine if he grabbed me and dragged me off into the bushes. Cause that's one of my fantasies. And that's really fun to let myself think about that. There's nothing wrong with it. so that's one way we can start to decompart mentalized sex. But what about like that's.

That's a private context, but what about more publicly? What about in front of other people? How do we get to express our sexuality in front of other people and be okay with that and know that that's okay? Because most of us would like to be able to share this with someone or with someone's, right?

So the reason I wanted to talk about this today is because...

I just have a sip from my cup of tea before it goes cold. It's because I did my very first burlesque dance class this week and this is something I've been wanting to do for years but I just never...

really taken that step until now. but God, it was fun. I mean, it's literally my first class. So I'm, I'm not going to be able to be any kind of expert in burlesque dancing, but I do want to tell you about how it felt to be in a room and dance sexy with a bunch of other beautiful women of all ages, shapes and sizes to be able to dance sexy.

Talk about sex, make sexy jokes, make sexy faces, and for that to be celebrated.

So from the girl that was totally made to feel inappropriate for dancing when she was a teenager, suddenly I'm in a room doing that exact thing that I've always wanted to do. I've always enjoyed sexy dancing, but I've never been able to feel like it was okay or appropriate. And here I was having permission to do that exact thing with a bunch of other women who were doing the same.

so I've got to say when I, when I signed up for the class, I did not know what to expect. I was really nervous. I'm not a very good dancer, in terms of like, I've tried other dance styles before. I'm not a very coordinated physical person. I'm definitely trying to learn to get better with my relationship with my body. I'm very much a cerebral person, but, I'm trying to make friends with my body at the moment on the last couple of years.

and discover that this thing is also a part of me and it's fun to explore. It's really fun to explore. But I definitely don't have a lot of confidence as a dancer and I wasn't sure what to expect. My worst fear was that it's that exact feeling of like, okay, we're gonna start doing a sexy dance routine and I'm gonna have to act like I look sexy, but what if I don't? What if I just look embarrassing?

And I think I'm sexy. I think I look sexy, but everyone else is like, gosh, what's she doing? That's the fear. And I do think that that is very much tied to that memory I told you about.

But to my delight, this was a really easy class. Massive props to the Vivoom Room for the way they ran this class.

The biggest takeaway from me was that it wasn't about the moves. All right. It wasn't about a complicated dance routine where you had to assume this form perfectly and create the right shape or any of that. Essentially, she was just giving us really simple instructions. Like, we're doing a chair routine. So you'd start off with standing behind the chair. The song starts and you just kind of move your hips a bit. She's like, yeah.

I like this song. You sort of finding the beat. And then the next step was, okay, well, I'm just going to run my finger down the side of the chair and just make it look quite phallic. And then the instructor was joking about like thinking, look how, look how big and hard this chair is. it's so big. It's so hard. and those jokes obviously lighten the mood and make it really fun.

but also give you permission to lean into that a little bit. Like, yeah, imagine that this is a giant cock. Fuck yeah. I'm sexy. I know how to touch a cock. Okay. And then, you know, we'd step out in front of the chair and I don't know. I don't want to like, just tell you guys the entire choreography. but essentially the moves were quite simple. anyone can do this stuff, which was a huge relief.

But the focus was on how you felt while you were doing that move. It was about embodying that feeling of I'm sexy, right? So instead, when she was telling us what the steps were, it wasn't like step out once and then two to the side. was like, like that was the action, but she would say, and now I'm, coming out for you to look at my body. Yeah. Look how cute I am. And then do this little.

gesture with your hand to be like, look at my curves. Yes. Have you seen my curves? They're very beautiful. That was the, the thoughts that she was putting in your head while you're up there dancing. And it just is so fucking wholesome. Like I can feel in my body, I've just got all this joy in me right now talking about this because we don't get to do this for ourselves. We don't get to compliment ourselves or really acknowledge how fucking sexy we are. Right.

We're all so critical and worried about, God, what if there's something wrong with me? What if I am actually really ugly and people see? Such a horrible, horrible thing to do to ourselves. so this class was just a breath of fresh air, honestly. And I think it'll be, I'm definitely hoping to do more of them because I think this will be a really great way of, for anyone.

to start learning to embody your sexuality. To feel it, to show it, to own it as like, yeah, I'm hot, I'm sexy, I look slutty and gorgeous. And I am not ashamed of that. I am not ashamed of the fact that I am a sexual being. Because there's nothing fucking wrong with that. It is a powerful place to be.

Right?

Sorry.

I can't wait to do more of these classes. If you are thinking of doing a burlesque class and you think this would benefit you, then go and sign up. Go find one and sign up. Because we need more of this in our life, right? Sex positivity, body positivity, having permission to be sexual beings.

So much of reclaiming our sexual selves, so much of our sexual confidence and our ability in bed comes from disinhibition. It comes from undoing the damage that we've had dealt to us by society, by our family, by our friends.

It is about shutting off all of those thoughts of doubt and criticism and leaning into your sexual desire and going, yeah, I am that.

In my studies, there's this one of my favorite exercises. I haven't had a chance to do this with a client yet because I've only been doing, or mostly been doing online sessions. But there is this amazing exercise called the animal game. And I can't wait to do this. I might try it with Slade actually.

But essentially you're, there's, there's a video of this online. I'm not sure if it's public. If it is, I'll link it. if you want to watch it, but the video that we watched to learn it, the coach is with a male client and he's very nervous and very reserved and he just doesn't know how to be around women. He's really awkward. and quite meek and you know, a lot.

of a lot of men are, they feel this way because they're afraid of their sexuality, right? They think they need to be friendly and gentle and safe. Of course we need to be safe, but they think that this is how you be safe. It's not. Essentially they've turned off their sexuality. So in the animal game, the coach and the client, they both get on the floor.

Get on all fours. This is why you have to do it in person. And you both close your eyes and just imagine that you're an animal. Just start walking around the room on all fours and be like, yeah, I am an animal. I'm a lion. I'm a panther. I'm a fucking animal. Right. And you just start smelling the room and being aware of what's around you.

And then at one point the coach will be like, okay, now I want you to notice that there's another animal in the room with you. And you're watching this video and the client's like, you can see him like, like an animal notice there's a sexy female over there. And he starts to walk over to her and they get closer and they start. This is just all instinct. He starts like smelling her hair.

and really taking her in and letting his desire for her start to take control of his body. Like, fuck yeah. And she's into it. She wants him as well. And she's given him all the signs of like, yeah, she's in her body, letting her desire take control. And eventually they start to touch and very, very quickly it becomes the most sexy.

passionate wrestle of these two just on the ground, like exploring every inch of each other and grabbing and smelling and just yum. So this is a somatic obsession. there's, it's, it's sex coaching, but the boundaries are that there's no,

There's no, like nudity. It's all fully clothed. and you don't kiss on the mouth or there's no genital contact or anything like that. So that's the boundaries of the play. But within that, it's amazing how hot those sessions can be when you have those limitations. Because if it was with, you know, a partner in the bedroom, it would probably just escalate straight to sex or penetration. And that would be it. And that's cool. But when you know that's off the table, you're not even allowed to kiss.

It's like, what can we do here? And that's where you just really get these really passionate, like the way they're handling each other's body and smelling each other and just being really primal. It's so fucking sexy. Anyway.

If you're in Townsville and you want to try this with me, I'm very keen to get some practice at some in-person stuff. So hit me up. HarleyRabbit.com. But the point I'm trying to make with this is the transformation of the client to seeing this guy go from a very nervous, meek, very like closed off, no sexual energy at all, around women, like, I don't know what to do.

And within like 30 seconds, a minute maybe, he's lent into his inner animal, found it and boom, like this tiger comes out and it's fucking hot. I'm like, God damn, I'm super into this guy now. Like I wasn't before, but shit, there is a sexual being in there. And that's the power we have when we give ourselves permission to be sexy. When we lean into our desire, we have no idea.

Most of us have no idea how fucking hot we are because we're too afraid or we think it's inappropriate or it's dangerous or it's not okay for some reason. It's shameful. God, they'll know that I'm into them. so we limit ourselves and choke off our sexuality. We never get to see what kind of fucking tigers we are underneath. Ugh. Anyway.

So that's my spiel. And I think that like, obviously this kind of coaching is really fun, but doing something like burlesque dancing, I think is another way to embody sexuality and bring out that inner confidence and undo some of that shame, some of the damage that's been done over our lifetime of growing up in a very sex negative culture. So.

I want you to have a think about when, what comes up for you when you think about your sex, your sexuality being shamed. Do you have any memories that come up? Any specific things that were said to you or something you saw? know, when did you start to learn this wasn't okay to be your sexy self? And you mightn't remember and that's completely normal, but sometimes it's good if we can isolate some of those memories.

and then challenge them. Like for me, I'm worried about what my school teacher's opinion was when he turned out to be a fucking predator. So fuck that guy. What the hell does he know?

So I want you to challenge those beliefs that you have when they come up. You know, and it's not about changing them or I'm not telling you to think a certain way. but it's just about challenging them about being like, is this what I truly believe? Is this what I want to believe? Is this in line with my values or is this just other people's bullshit? Society's bullshit, you know?

And then I want you to have a think about, there a way you can express your sexuality a bit more in your body, in a physical way, whether that's through something like dance or even if you, if you have a partner, the way you like, maybe next time you're in bed, lean into your desire, let them see how into them you are. Let that, let that, that inner animal out to play a little bit. Just explore that.

Because there is nothing sexier. One of the most common core desires is to feel desired, right? this is across all genders. If you know that the person that you're to have s*x with is fucking into you and they think you are gorgeous and sexy and they want you, is a pretty big aphrodisiac, right? So they want to see that animal in your eyes. They want to see your hunger.

You don't have to be afraid of that. Boys, I'm talking to you. You don't have to be afraid of that. As long as you can understand the word no, and you can stop if you need to, we don't want to lose control. But if you've got consent, lean into that. Show your partner just how much you want them. It'll be the biggest gift you can give them.

Anyway, that's my passion rant for the week. I hope you enjoyed that one.

Yeah, sex positivity is fast becoming my life's mission, I think. So thank you for supporting this podcast. If you would like to support this podcast, you already are by listening to it, but please give me a like, give me a review, share it with a friend.

All that stuff helps get the word out, helps the good old algorithm gods think that the content is worthwhile. And it honestly helps more people find the podcast and it helps us grow. Which in this very noisy world is a very difficult thing to do, but we're slowly getting there. I

All right. And if you are interested in working with me and you'd like to do a connection call, you can definitely book that in on my website, harleyrabbit.com. right. next time, friends, play safe, have fun, And I will catch you soon. Bye.