#73: 4 Common Beliefs About Women’s Sexuality You’re Probably Getting Wrong

In this episode of Turns Out I’m Into It, Harley Rabbit takes on some of the most stubborn myths and misconceptions about women’s sexuality. Whether you’re a woman navigating these expectations or a man eager to understand your partner better, this episode is for you.

Harley shares her personal experiences and insights from studying sexology, conversations with clients and friends, and challenges commonly held beliefs that might be holding you back from a more fulfilling sex life.

You’ll hear about:

• Why being multi-orgasmic isn’t the ultimate goal for everyone.
• Why “She Comes First” is well-intentioned but not always the best approach.
• How objectification, when done consensually, can actually boost confidence and connection.
• Why putting women on a pedestal creates imbalance and prevents authentic intimacy.

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Transcript

Hey, hey friends, it is Harley Rabbit here. Welcome back to another episode of Turns Out I'm Into It, the show all about helping you discover your kinky self and live your best sex life.

In today's episode, we are going to be busting some myths and misconceptions around women's sexuality. Now, this episode is definitely relevant to women, obviously, but if you are a straight man and you are listening right now, please keep listening, because I think you're going to find this really interesting.

Over the last couple of years, I have been studying sex and I've read a lot of books on this and I've had a lot of conversations with other clinicians and with clients and with friends and basically have been gathering a lot of insights into this kind of stuff. And there's a few things that keep popping up.

Again and again that just make me go, no, that is not true. These are really stubborn myths and stubborn misconceptions that we hear all the time. So I'm here to open up the discussion and maybe challenge some of these beliefs and hopefully we might learn something. All right, before I jump into that, I just wanted to say, what was it? I had something. Yes.

So last week on the podcast, talked about my first burlesque class and how fun it was. but in the interests of being open and honest, which is what this podcast is all about, all about being real, and not sugarcoating things. So I did my second class last night. Still had a lot of fun, but I was super awkward the whole time. I just felt like everybody else knew each other and I was the new girl and

Like I've just been doing casual lessons. haven't signed up to the whole course just cause my availability is all over the place. which is great that they let us do that, but I kind of felt a little bit like the new girl at school, you know? but I still had a lot of fun. still learned some sexy moves. we did floor work this time, so there was lots of slut drops and all that kind of stuff.

But I also experienced a little bit of that, you know, like we all do it, the comparison. When you're watching other women flaunt their sexuality and look absolutely gorgeous. And I am not very, I have no experience at dancing. So I don't have that kind of control over my body. And I noticed myself doing the comparison thing and being like, why am I not that flexible? Or I can't like twerk or hold my ass out like that.

so yeah, I just wanted to speak to that as like, if you do go out and do a class like this, if you happen to be inspired by my episode last week, I just want to normalize that. I also have these feelings when, you know, it's not always fun and games. Sometimes we do feel a bit down on ourselves. Sometimes it's a bit socially awkward. and that is just, it's just part of it. but I am still determined to.

give this a go. I should be able to make next week's class, so I'll definitely do that one. just feel it out and see where this road takes me. But ultimately, at the end of the day, I think it's going to be really positive. I just love being around.

people that are able to speak openly about sex and make those jokes and be sexy and all of that is just something that's really missing from my daily life. I mean, I get a lot of it in my course, but that's all online. So it's all Zoom conversations, which are great. I'm glad we have this technology. But in terms of like face-to-face real life in the real world, I still feel like I don't have a lot of opportunities to...

express this side of me and my sexuality. And I'm sure most of you listening might feel the same way. It is absolutely pouring outside. I'm hoping my background noise suppression is working, but my goodness, it's pouring. This is the first rain. I live in like North Queensland and it's, we haven't had rain for like six months. So it's just the wet season has just hit. So.

Yeah. Life in the tropics, right? When it hits, it really hits. It's like, my God. Okay. This is, this is a lot. You can stop now. no, but it really needs it. anyway, I'm getting off track. The other thing I wanted to mention just quickly is I won't say too much about this, but I have a very exciting guest coming on hopefully next week. Her name is Rachel Steele.

And she is an adult film industry veteran. She's been in the industry for 20 years as an actress,

as a writer, producer, set designer, makeup artist, all of that. She is the CEO of

Red Milk Productions and she is super kink positive. So I cannot wait to have her on the show and have a really good chat with her about her amazing career. I'm sure we're all going to learn a lot from her. So stay tuned for that episode.

Alright, I think that is everything I wanted to say in this introduction. Let's jump into today's episode.

Myth number one, being multi-orgasmic is the pinnacle of women's sexuality. This myth is the one that actually inspired today's episode, because I was thinking about it this morning and realizing I'm kind of sick of feeling like I'm missing out or being shamed for not being multi-orgasmic. I know quite a few of my female friends are, and it's super hot. I've seen it in action and my God.

love that for you if you're able to do that, that is amazing. So I'm not taking anything away from those of us who are multi-orgasmic. But I've realized over the last couple of years even, I've seen lots of ads for short courses and seminars and things to make women multi-orgasmic. As if that is like, you're missing out if you're not multi-orgasmic.

like you haven't tapped into your body's potential. That's kind of how it's marketed. And for a long time I felt like, maybe I should do that. And I still might explore it. I'm always open to trying new stuff. But I realized this morning, you know what? I don't need that. I'm actually really happy with where I'm at with my orgasms and my sexuality. My sex life is great.

So just for context, I can have multiple orgasms. I have had maybe two or three in a row, like in one session, and that's great when that happens. But generally speaking, one orgasm is plenty for me in a session.

And when I thought about the prospect of having multiple orgasms in sex, for me personally, I think this would actually take away from it. And hear me out here, because I think there's a lot of...

Like most of us are taught to see orgasms as the point in sex.

you know, we go to have sex so that we can have an orgasm. And yes, orgasms are great. And they're very, satisfying when they happen. But as I've learned in my studies and in my own experience, the orgasm isn't the be all and end all for me. The reason that I go to sex, and I think a lot of you might agree with me, is I go to sex to feel a certain way. I go to sex to...

escape into fantasy to feel my core desires.

So your core desires might be very different to mine, but for me, I love to feel used and objectified and there's a bit of degradation in there. I like to feel desired. I like to feel overpowered and that makes me like, just enjoy feeling how sexy and strong a man is on top of me. All of that is the experience that I'm wanting to have in sex. And if I get an orgasm at the end, which I usually do, awesome, that's great.

but I feel like if my, like the entire session was just me having multiple orgasms, it would almost detract from that. Because for me, when I, to make myself calm, I have to, like, it takes a lot of effort from both my partner, like physically from my partner. And for me, psychologically, I have to really focus and concentrate on thinking of those particular fantasies that are going to bring me to orgasm.

which is great, but it's a lot of effort. so the idea of having to do that again and again, it just, I feel like I wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy the experience. My favorite part of sex is when I don't like, I'm not thinking about trying to have an orgasm. I'm just enjoying myself. Right. So if you're like me and you tend to have one orgasm or maybe you don't orgasm every time, that's okay.

You're not, as long as that's what works for you and what you enjoy and you're getting fulfillment from that experience, then you're not missing out. Okay.

And if you have multiple orgasms and that's great for you or effortless, fucking awesome. You know, like that's good for you. I just, guess the point is that I don't want to position a particular sexual experience above any other. Like we are all so different when we get from sex is very different. The way, what we enjoy, how our bodies work, like.

I mean, I don't know for me personally, if I have an orgasm and then I have another one, the next one is going to be 10 times more effort and not as good. So the idea of having lots of them is like, cool, but I just, I'm happy with my, big finish and getting to relax and enjoy the experience for the rest of the time. so yes, that's my, my two cents on that one.

if you're not multi-orgasmic, you're not missing out. Don't shame yourself. You don't have to change. If you're enjoying your sex life, fuck yeah. Good for you. Good for us.

All right. Myth number two. She comes first. Ever heard of this rule? She comes first. This is one of those myths that... It's not really a myth. It's more of a... The myth is the part that this is the... This should be a rule or this is the gentlemanly thing to do. If you're a man and you don't make your female partner come before you do, then you're bad in bed.

That's kind of the belief, right? The gentlemanly thing to do is to make sure she orgasms before you do.

Now the intention behind this, I agree with. I think this rule has come from, basically don't be the guy that fucks her, comes, falls asleep and she's left hanging. Don't be that guy, right? That's pretty rude. And that makes you a shit root. So a hundred percent agree that that's not what we want to do.

But it doesn't actually matter who comes in which order. So let me just elaborate on this a little bit, because I know it will blow a lot of people's minds. Because I've spoken to a lot of men who experience either premature ejaculation or...

erectile dysfunction, basically they don't have a lot of confidence about being able to bring their partner to orgasm during penetration because they don't know if they can maintain an erection for that long. Totally fair. So it's often this group who are really adamant about making sure that their partner comes first. They'll usually use either their fingers or a toy, a vibrator or something to make sure that she comes and then great.

then we'll, get to the penetration part and then he can relax and finish whenever he does. And good job done.

But the problem with this is...

What can happen is it can become a routine where the female partner's orgasm, it's almost like something that has to, she has to get out the way before the real sex can start. I'm not saying that penetrative sex is the only real sex, but for a lot of people, that's the part that feels really satisfying. So for her to have to always...

get her orgasm out the way before she can experience penetration, it doesn't usually lead to very fulfilling experiences for her.

Now this might be, this routine might work for you and there's nothing wrong with it if it does,

But what I want to do is encourage you to have a conversation about it. Maybe ask your partner, do you want to mix it up a bit or do you want to make sure that you come first before we have penetration? And the answer might surprise you. It might be fun to try something different. So the thing I want to drive home here, which might blow some of your minds because

of this she comes first thing a lot of people don't realize is that you can totally have, you know, you can have your foreplay, can have your penetration. The man or the penis owner can come first and then she can come afterwards. That's, that's an option, right? You can still use fingers, toys, whatever you want. She can pleasure herself, whatever works.

she can still have an orgasm after you have. That's fine.

So personally, speaking from personal experience, sometimes if I'm having trouble getting there, I'll just be like, Slade, go for it. And then I get to relax and just enjoy him fucking me, which is super, super hot. I don't have to have all the pressure of making myself cum. Or like, you know, this is what I was talking about before with like using all of that focus and effort to make myself get there.

I can just relax and enjoy him fucking me and it's great. And then once he finishes, I might grab a toy and he might use it on me or I might use it on myself or I might just use my fingers or whatever. And then I'll give myself an orgasm usually while he watches and touches me and it still feels super connected. And then.

What typically happens is that's really hot for him and he'll be up for round two. And then I'll get round two of penetration as well after I finish. That doesn't always happen, but it's definitely a bonus if it does. So if you're someone who experiences premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction,

know that this is an option. So that if, know that if you finish, you can still pleasure her afterwards or she can pleasure yourself, herself. And that's super fucking hot and sexy. And then, Hey, you might start to get, get going again and be up for round two. Not always, but this definitely does happen. and even if it doesn't happen, it's still super hot for both of you and lots of fun.

So I encourage you to play around with this, break up your routine, talk to your partner, of course, but if you have that routine of making sure that she comes first, change it up a bit. Make her come second. See if she likes it.

where this gets really cool is it can stop her from feeling like her orgasm is something she has to get out the way. Right? So her orgasm can suddenly be what happens at the end, the big finish. That's the finale, not his.

Like, what's wrong with that?

And also, and maybe like, I'm only speaking from personal experience here, and maybe this has to do with my body not being super multi-orgasmic. but when I, when I finish, when I orgasm, it still feels good being fucked, but it's not, I'm not as hungry for it. Right. So for me,

I only got to experience penetration after I'd orgasmed, it just wouldn't be as fulfilling for me. I want to feel his cock inside me or this toy inside me or whatever. I want to feel that before I come as well, because that's when my body is most primed for it.

So go and experiment, work out what's good for you, what's good for your partner. Try different things, check things out.

and see how it feels.

Ultimately, how you have sex is up to you. I don't want you to be, to feel like you're only good in bed or the gentlemanly thing to do is make sure that she orgasms first every time. Cause that is just not true.

What you want to make sure is that you're both satisfied. That's the gentlemanly thing to do. Okay.

Myth number three, women hate to be objectified. This is a big one. There's a lot of.

Like we are taught in our culture that objectifying women is wrong.

that we must always see the human being, the person, and not see their body as merely as an object of our sexual gratification. So we don't want to just look at a woman and see breasts, or it goes the other way too. We don't want to look at a man and just see biceps. You want to see the person. And this is about respecting each other as human beings, okay? So I'm not arguing with that, but...

there is a time and place where objectifying can feel really, really good.

From the receiving end, like being the object of desire, there is nothing hotter than feeling my partner's hunger for my body, feeling him groping me, feeling him wanting me, wanting to lick, fuck, kiss, squeeze every inch of me. It's extremely validating, makes me feel super sexy, which is...

wonderful for those of us who struggle with our body confidence. And I'm going to say most of us probably do. That external validation of a partner objectifying your body as a sex object, it is wonderful for turning off all of those insecurities. if I'm with a man who is just like, fuck your tits are fucking gorgeous.

and he just wants to squeeze them and be all up in that. I'm not sitting there going, am I good enough? Am I hot enough? I'm going, yeah, I'm fucking sexy, go me. You know, it feels really good.

So objectification can be wonderful for body confidence, right? As long as it's done in the right context.

It can also feel really good for the objectifier to be able to put aside all of those worries of making sure they're part, like if you're a real overthinker and a lot of people are, if you're really finding yourself worrying about whether your partner is happy, if they're having a good time, are you doing the right things? That can really take you out of your own pleasure. It can take you out of the moment. You're all in your head.

So if you get consent to just lean into your desire and objectify your partner, suddenly all the pressure's off and you can just focus on your own pleasure and using their body to gratify it. And that can feel really, really hot for both people.

So please do not bar yourself from objectification either from giving or receiving. In the right context, this is absolutely fun.

And if you think about it, we as human beings spend billions of dollars on making ourselves more attractive. We like to feel attractive and that's okay. Just because I enjoy someone perving on me and feel that as like a confidence boost, that doesn't mean that I'm disrespecting myself

We like to feel sexy and that's okay. It is okay to want that and enjoy that.

Who doesn't, honestly? feels good to feel attractive and feel desirable.

So please do not beat yourself up about that,

Last but not least, misconception number four is men should put women on a pedestal.

Again, this is one of those old fashioned gentlemanly values, like the she comes first thing that is kind of missing the mark a little bit. It is okay. Of course it's okay to admire women, to deeply love and appreciate them.

That is beautiful. But the problem is when you start to put her on a pedestal so that she is suddenly more worthy than you are, that she is better than you are in some way. This creates an imbalance here. So if you're putting her above you, you're telling yourself that you're less worthy.

Does that make sense? We can only create positive relationships when they're built on mutual respect We both need to be on the same level. Even in Dom sub relationships, the Dom might have all the control in the scene. They might be calling all the shots. The sub might be, you know, even worshipping the Dom in some scenes, but

the boundaries of the scene are negotiated within what the subs desires are and the doms desires are. So it's a mutual thing that you work out together. What you both enjoy, it's for both of your pleasure. And if you're playing with power dynamics in a scene, that that's great because it's what you enjoy. but that scene has been negotiated from a place of equality. Okay.

The dom is not better than the sub. The sub is not better than the dom.

So if you are the type of person that likes to put women on a pedestal, you might be doing yourself a disservice

To create genuine intimacy, we need to both be open and both be vulnerable and bring our own self-respect to that relationship as well.

If you don't respect yourself and your own desires and needs and boundaries, you're a not likely going to be very attractive.

And B, it's going to be really difficult to establish genuine connection because of that power imbalance.

both parties in a relationship need to be in their own power, okay?

So you are just as worthy as she is, no matter what your dad told you or your grandfather told you. The best, most respectful thing you can do to a woman is treat her as an equal. Treat her as a person, a human being. Don't make her bigger than she really is. Cause we, we don't need that. We need to feel safe to be flawed, vulnerable human beings. Sometimes we need.

to be protected and loved and nurtured. Sometimes we need to be encouraged or celebrated.

We need different things at different times. but if we're always seen as more powerful, then we can't really show up as ourselves. Right. And we don't get to see yourself, your true self. If I meet a man and I, you know, want to establish connection with him.

I want him to be bringing his own power to that relationship.

I want him to show me that he values himself, that he can speak his boundaries to me, that he can speak his needs and desires to me. That's where we need to meet.

All right, so forget this on a pedestal bullshit. We're all human. Just treat each other as equal humans.

That is going to be the best foundation for connection. Does that make sense? I feel like that one is a tricky one to word, but I think I got there in the end.

all right. That is the four myths and misconceptions that I wanted to share with you guys today. Let me know your thoughts on this. Did, did any of this land for you? If you're on FetLife, I will do a writing where you can comment on this topic.

if you're not on FetLife, feel free to chat to me on Instagram, or you can send me a text message through the podcast. Just click the show notes and tap send me a text. Let me know what resonated with you. Do you agree with me on these? did I challenge any of your current beliefs? I'm really interested to hear how you're receiving this.

And don't forget next week on the podcast, I will be interviewing Rachel Steele. I am so excited for this conversation. adult film industry is, it's a whole new world. So I can't wait to pick her brains, especially over the last 20 years of being in this industry. I'm sure she has a lot of stories to tell. So stay tuned for that one.

also a reminder. I haven't asked this for a while, but if you are enjoying the podcast, please remember to give me a star rating. those are anonymous on both Apple and Spotify. So if you don't want people to know what you're listening to, that's fine. They won't see. but giving me a five star rating actually does a lot for helping the podcast grow. So I would much appreciate it.

All right, I will leave it there. Thank you so much as always for listening. Hope you're having a wonderful day, evening, afternoon, wherever you are in the world. Till next time, friends, play safe, have fun, and I will catch you soon.