Turns Out... I'm Into It!

#76: Are my Sexual Fantasies Normal? Here's What Science Says

Share episode

Send us a text

Episode Summary:
In this episode of Turns Out I’m Into It, Harley Rabbit dives deep into the fascinating world of sexual fantasies, exploring why so many of us feel shame about them and how science challenges the idea of “normal” fantasies. Harley breaks down a landmark study, “What Exactly Is an Unusual Sexual Fantasy?”, which surveyed over 1,500 people to determine which fantasies are rare, unusual, common, or typical. Along the way, Harley shares personal insights, busts myths about fantasies, and offers practical tips for embracing your desires without shame.

Discussion & Journal Prompts:

  1. What are some sexual fantasies I’ve had that I’ve felt shame about, and where does that shame come from?
  2. How do I feel about sharing my fantasies with a partner? What fears or hesitations come up?

Links & Resources Mentioned:

Support the Podcast:
If you enjoyed this episode, please:

  • Follow Turns Out I’m Into It on your favourite podcast platform.
  • Leave a 5-star review on Spotify or Apple Podcasts—it’s quick, anonymous, and helps others discover the show.
  • Share this episode with friends or partners who might find it valuable!

Connect with Harley Rabbit:

Harley (00:14)
Hey, hey friends, it is Harley Rabbit here. Welcome back to another episode of Turns Out I'm Into It, the show all about helping you discover your kinky self and live your best sex life. Have you ever caught yourself wondering, is this fantasy I have normal? Is it okay to think about these things? Am I the only one who thinks about these things?

If this is you, trust me, you're not alone. I can definitely put myself in this category from time to time. So that's why I thought this week we'll dive into the topic of sexual fantasies. And I actually came across a study, it's called. What exactly is an unusual sexual fantasy?

What exactly is an unusual sexual fantasy? Isn't that an interesting question? Because I'm pretty sure most of us can't answer that.

So this research asked over 1500 people from the general population in Quebec about their fantasies and tries to figure out once and for all which ones are statistically rare, unusual, common or typical. And the results are super interesting.

This study actually calls out many theories and attitudes that label fantasies like dominance and submission, group play, voyeurism, fetishes, all of those things as deviant. But they often fail to explain why, or actually back that up with data. So that is a big reason why a lot of these fantasies are still considered taboo. And why most of us have been led to believe that they're not normal.

So in this episode, we are going to get the facts and actually break down what the science really says about what's going on in our erotic imaginations.

But before we jump into all of that, I wanted to say a quick happy new year. It is 2025. This is actually the first episode that I've recorded this year, so it feels really good to get back behind the microphone. And I've got some big goals for the podcast this year.

I really believe in this project. It's awesome to see it growing. And that's largely to do with you guys listening to the episodes each week.

And for this year, I want to start approaching some bigger and bigger guests because I know there's a lot of people out there, particularly on Furt Life, who I know will have such amazing stories and wisdom to share. And I want them to be on this show. I want to bring those conversations to you. So stay tuned for that. It's going to be a big year.

also, I just wanted to say, I hope you had a break over Christmas, over New Year's, if you did get a break. I know for a lot of us, spending time with family can be, it can be awesome, it can be amazing, it can be trying at times. It can also be really hard for some people to,

I know for a lot of us, we probably wouldn't choose our family as friends. and this means that a lot of the time we don't share the same values as our family. We might have some pretty big differences.

A lot of us might actually have to censor ourselves around family, which really sucks. So I just wanted to acknowledge that whatever your Christmas break looked like, congratulations, you survived it. hopefully you enjoyed it, or at least some of it.

so that's about it. That's all I wanted to say there. Let's jump into today's episode.

All right, so today we are looking at shame around sexual fantasies. And this is a topic that is really important to me personally, because this is something I experienced for many, many, years. If you're new to the show, you wouldn't know this, but if you've been a long time listener, you'll know that a lot of my sexual fantasies are around consensual non-consent play. I have a lot of rape fantasies and always have for as long as I can remember.

And for many years, I thought that meant there was something deeply wrong with me.

I felt like it was a dirty secret. And I was really ashamed of the fact that the only way I could reach orgasm was by imagining a rape scenario. So that was a lot to carry. and it really affected my sex life. I actually came to the point where I just felt like sex wasn't for me because I was having vanilla sex and

that's supposed to be romantic and connected and passionate and all those things that just don't work for me. so I pretty much gave up on sex for quite a few years and yeah, I just felt like it wasn't for me, which is a huge, would have been a huge shame if I didn't figure out that I am kinky and vanilla is just not my flavor. That's why I wasn't enjoying sex. And it turns out that

Rape fantasies are really common and we're going to discuss that in today's episode.

But it's actually really normal for like lots of people don't enjoy romance in sex. Lots of people do. I think it's still the most common or most favorable type of sex out there. But there's a lot of us who just aren't into that romance thing. So.

That's a little bit about my backstory and part of why I'm such an advocate for de-shaming sexual fantasies. I love my fantasies now. I have such an active imagination and one of my favorite things is just flicking through my fantasies. It's like a Netflix menu of fantasies. Like, Ooh, what am I in the mood for tonight? You know, this is, it's like a sexual superpower. So I'm so glad that I was able to.

accept this part of myself and embrace this part of myself. And I want that for you too. So that is why we're discussing this topic today. Why I wanted to start the year on this topic, because it is foundational. So we're to have a chat on this episode about firstly, about why shame exists around fantasies. We're going to then have a look at this study I mentioned and look at what the data actually says.

which is really interesting. And then I'm going to give you some practical steps that you can take to help you start embracing your fantasies and letting go of shame.

All right, but first of all, why does shame exist around fantasies? Why do we have so much shame? There is a lot of reasons for this. And I've actually really cut this list down, but some of the main ones, and as I go through this list, have a think about whether this relates to you or not. Some of the main ones are cultural and religious influences. So many...

Cultures and religions impose a very rigid stance on what sex should look like, what it should be about. at anything outside of these standards are considered sinful or deviant.

Often in religion specifically, sex is meant to be very procreation focused and very love focused, very heterosexual. So anything that falls outside of this can be really stigmatized. The next one is silence and taboo. So as we know, sex is a very taboo topic in our culture. It's getting better.

Um, but it's still got a long way to go. And a big reason why I started this podcast is because I know how important it is to have these conversations. And a lot of us are just not having them. So families rarely discuss sex, even like sex, sex education. It rarely talks about sex beyond sexual health, like STIs or preventing unwanted pregnancy.

They don't talk about pleasure, at least as far as I'm aware. They definitely don't talk about sexual fantasies or the diversity of sexual fantasies. And this lack of knowledge and conversation and awareness around sex and sexual fantasies means that we just don't know what's normal.

And if we're only seeing romantic sex on movies and stuff, then if we aren't really into that and we're into some other things that we don't see represented in movies or in the media, then we feel like we must be the only one, right? We must be abnormal. This creates a lot of shame.

The next one is fear of judgment. This is a big one. How scary is it to talk to your partner about your sexual fantasies if you have a partner? I think I've mentioned on the show before, like I think it's crazy that I talk about my sexual fantasies all the time, publicly on a podcast, but I still get really nervous sharing them with Slade. I get all shy and coy and embarrassed and I need him to be really careful in the way he responds to me.

to just calm that shame and let me feel okay to talk about this stuff. And I'm someone who's studying sexology, who talks about sex all day, so I can only imagine how hard it is for those of you who don't get to talk about sex much. It can feel almost impossible to talk to our partners about what we actually want and what we're actually into.

We've also got gender expectations. This is a big one.

So for men, we have a lot of shame around fantasies that aren't traditionally masculine. So lots and lots of men out there have submissive fantasies and feel really, really ashamed of it. Also, lots of men fantasize about encounters with other men and they might not identify as gay or even bi. It might just be in a fantasy and that can really...

trigger a lot of feelings of shame For women, there's a lot of social pressure around purity and modesty and not being slutty.

Women are not meant to like sex. We're meant to be the gatekeepers of sex,

This is especially hard on women who like to have lots of sex or group sex or dominant women, women who like to take charge in the bedroom.

Lastly, on this list, I have confusion between fantasy and reality. This is a big one. So a lot of people experience shame around their fantasies because they think it means that they want this to happen in real life. They think fantasizing about it means they want to experience it. And that is just not true. Plenty of people, plenty of

The fantasies, like most common fantasies out there are just fantasies and they don't mean you want to experience these things in real life. So really obvious example is I mentioned the consensual non-consent play fantasies that I have, the rape fantasies. I do not want to be raped. Okay. Just cause I fantasize about these things does not mean that I actually want it to happen in real life. There is a very big difference. If you think about it, when you're at home, private...

In your private space, relaxed, having a sexual fantasy, you are very safe and very much in control of what's going on because it's in your own head, right? This is completely different to a reality situation where somebody else is taking away your control and taking away your agency.

Also, in fantasies, no one can get hurt. You don't have to worry about people's feelings or actually causing trauma or harm. It's purely just a fun pretend fantasy.

Another example I will give is, it's another of my favorites, is tentacle fantasies, tentacle porn, hentai. That's a fantasy that not only do I not want to be attacked by a giant tentacle monster, because that sounds terrifying, it's not even possible. That doesn't exist. Right?

So it's completely fine for me to enjoy these fantasies in a, it's fiction, essentially in your mind. It does not necessarily mean you're going to act on these things or that you even want to. Okay.

A lot of the time, and I've had this with clients telling me about their fantasies, people get so caught up in the like practicality of it. Like, I can't fantasize about that because that wouldn't physically work or that wouldn't be possible. And I'm like, no, it's totally possible. It's in your imagination. If you can imagine it, it can happen. Like that's fine. don't let physics restrict your fantasies. Like what I'm thinking about a giant tentacle monster, for instance.

It's cock is like, I don't know, two feet wide. There's no way that's fitting inside my body in real life. So it's completely fine to just indulge in your imagination and not worry about it happening in the real world or what it would be like if it happened in the real world. Cause that's not what we're doing here. Okay. All right.

So just looking at this list, it's easy to see why so many of us struggle with shame around our sexual fantasies. Because it comes from everywhere, right?

Unless you have the fantasy that is the stereotypical romantic vanilla heteronormative fantasy, unless that's your fantasy and that's the only thing you're into, then chances are you've experienced shame or you've tried to censor yourself, your own fantasies, because you feel like, no, that's not okay to think about that. Right?

It's really sad that so many of us feel like we're not normal. When in reality, normal is pretty fucking broad as we're about to discuss. So that brings me to the next part of this episode, which is looking at what the research actually says. What is normal?

So the journal article that I reviewed for this was published in the International Society for Sexual Medicine Journal in 2014. So it's a little bit old, but still very relevant. I really liked this study because they made a really big effort to

survey the general population. So interestingly, this is a bit of a side note, but in a lot of sexual surveys, most of the participants are usually uni students, which is great, but it's a very narrow demographic. So that was one of the things that they identified as an issue with the existing data. So they really wanted to get a general population sample. And they surveyed

more than 1500 people, so it's quite a big pool as well.

So the article is called, what exactly is an unusual sexual fantasy? And I think this is such a great question. the aim of the study was to actually answer the question of which sexual fantasies are rare, unusual, common or typical.

So let's have a chat about what they actually found in this survey.

so they, on the questionnaire, they had 55 different sexual fantasies listed. And of that 55, guess how many were actually rare? Statistically rare. Two. Two were rare. That is, they were under 2.3%.

Now, if you're curious, the two that came back rare were having fantasized about sex with an animal or having fantasized about having sex with a child under the age of 12. So they were the only two that came back as rare.

Now, it's important to note here that this study is only looking at how rare or common sexual fantasies are. It's not talking about whether they're ethical or moral.

If you happen to have an unusual sexual fantasy, that does not necessarily mean that there's anything wrong with you or wrong with having that fantasy. of course I'm not advocating for anyone to be having sex with children or animals. You guys know the rules. If there's no consent, it's no good. that said though, I looked at this one and went, animals, hey, like I, that including

Monsters like tentacle monsters or werewolves things like that. Cause I would totally fit into this category. Surely hentai is not rare, right? I don't know. Anyway, I'm getting distracted.

So looking at this survey just generally, yes, they did confirm that romantic fantasies are the most common and they're endorsed by 92.2 % of women and 88.3 % of men who answered the survey.

Another limitation of this survey, just FYI, is that they only talk about men and women. There's no non-binary, there's no other genders listed in the data. So we're just talking about male and female identifying participants for this one.

All right, so yes, romance is super common. I'll just have to take that one. I guess that means that most of you listening probably have romantic fantasies and I should not be shaming that. That is completely okay. Of course it's okay. I'm just, it's just not my thing.

But let's have a look at some of the kinky responses. this is where it gets really interesting because kink, remember, usually seen as something that's outside of the norm, right? And remembering that this survey is of the general population, not kinky people, not uni students, general population, people from ages, I think the age range was 18 to 77.

This is where it gets really interesting because turns out kink is super fucking normal. And I'm about to tell you why. turns out over 50 % of the general population have fantasized about being sexually dominated. Over 50%. So that was 64 % of women and 53 % of men.

spanking or whipping someone in order to obtain sexual pleasure was endorsed by 23.8 % of women and 43.5 % of men.

being spanked or whipped by someone to obtain sexual pleasure was endorsed by over a third of women at 36.3 % and almost a third of men, 28.5%.

That is a giant portion of the general population there that wants to get spanked or whipped. And I love that. I love knowing this.

tying someone up for sexual pleasure. I love this one. Uh, for those who are into bondage and, and Shabari, someone up for sexual pleasure came in at 41.7 % of women and 48.4 % for men. Huge.

So that is for those of us who enjoy the more dominant side of the spectrum. The fact that it's 41.7 % of women have fantasized about tying someone up. Wow. That's amazing. Considering dominant women are generally thought to be hard to find. So maybe there's a lot more of us out there that are at least fantasizing about this stuff. I mean, as I said before, it's not.

This doesn't necessarily mean that people want to act on it in real life, but it's in their fantasies.

And I just realized I forgot to write this one down, but, um, I wanted the other side of the coin for the bondage stuff being tied up by someone in order to obtain sexual pleasure came in at 52.1 % of women and 46.2 % of men. We all such kinky motherfuckers. I love These are not small numbers, right?

That's over half of all women and almost half of all men. Amazing.

Another one I forgot to write down that I just saw in this list is, cause we were talking about CNC before. where'd it go?

I fantasized about being forced to have sex. So that was the question. And 28.9 % of women said they had had that fantasy. And 30.7 % of men.

We often almost always talk about C &C as being man on woman, but turns out...

Lots of men are into being a C &C bottom as well.

statistic is interesting actually because I've seen this number a lot higher for women before. think even up toward 80 % I've seen. So it's interesting that it's only come through as 28.9 % in this survey.

But I wonder if that's because of the fact that this survey really focused on the general population. And maybe you're getting those higher numbers from surveys where the pool was either smaller or maybe it was more of a younger demographic. I don't know. I'm interested to know why there's such a discrepancy with that number.

All right, let's look at some other fantasies outside of the power play stuff. So I've got voyeurism. So for the question I have fantasized about watching someone undress without him or her knowing That came back as almost a third of women and 63.4 % of men. So voyeurism.

is super common.

It is not abnormal. It is not deviant. Lots of us are into it. and lastly, I wanted to talk about the non-monogamy group play fantasy stuff, cause that was really popular as well. So fantasizing about someone other than your partner. This came in at

66.3 % for women and 83.4 % for men. That is so high considering how taboo this fantasy is of thinking about anyone else other than your partner. Like how could you? There's so much shame attached to this one. But 66.3 % of women are into it, are thinking about it. And 83.4 % of men are thinking about it.

That's I want to say we're all thinking about it, but not all of us, but a lot of us are thinking about it and that's fine. It's completely fine. When I look at this statistic, just, a of me feels, compassion towards all the people out there that have these fantasies and feel bad about them. They feel like they're being unfaithful or that there's something wrong with them or it means they don't love their spouse. No, it's normal. It's so normal. It does not mean that you don't love your partner.

God, I think about other men all the time and I love the fucking shit out of Slade, right?

Okay. And for some group play stuff, um, more than half of the women, so 56.5 % fantasized about sex with two men and 28.9 % fantasized about sex with more than three men. Yeah.

Girls are into the, into Three Sims 2. Girls are into group sex and gang bangs. So hot.

I don't actually have this one listed for men, but I think it was insanely high. But that wouldn't be a surprise to anyone. It's no secret that you boys like the idea of threesomes in group play.

Anyway, I could go on for ages about these statistics. They're so interesting.

I will put a link in the show notes to this journal if you're interested in checking it out yourself. Shout out to scihub.com as well. If you know what that is, you might find that very useful when checking out peer reviewed journals. But I just want to say, like looking at this data, it's really fucking apparent that human sexuality is really diverse and

Lots of these fantasies that we think to ourselves are abnormal or deviant are actually really common.

The fact that we have such a narrow definition of normal is just not true. It's not accurate. Right. So I hope that going through this list helps you feel a little bit less alone in what you think about. and even if what you are into wasn't listed here, I know there's a lot of stuff I haven't talked about.

But just because it wasn't listed here doesn't mean that lots of other people aren't into it. And even if that's the case, even if it is rare, then there's nothing wrong with that. It just makes you unique. Okay. Just makes your sexuality really fucking interesting.

All right, so I want to move on now, cause I've been talking about this for ages. I get really excited with all this stuff, but I want to move on to giving you guys some advice on how to.

start embracing your fantasies and start letting go of that shame, working through that shame. Okay. So number one is to acknowledge it and accept it. And I know that's easier said than done, but the best thing you can do when approaching kink, when approaching your, like exploring your sexuality is to try and foster curiosity instead of judgment. So I just want you to be curious about, Oh, what?

Why did that work for me? okay. That's interesting.

This is a really beautiful mindset to have. Curiosity is one of my biggest values because it allows us to learn and explore without shame, without judgment.

Now, if you do want to start exploring, a really good idea is to start keeping a journal of your fantasies. You could, if you're creative and you like creative writing, writing them down into stories. That can be really, really fun to explore. It can also be a really great way of getting in touch with your libido as well.

Also get curious and do some digging on porn sites or if you're not into porn on erotica sites, have a look at what's out there and be curious about what peaks your interest. You might be surprised about what you're into. Turns out I'm into it, right? Number two is educate yourself, which congratulations, you're already doing that by listening to this podcast.

but I encourage you to please listen to as many sex positive podcasts and books that you can get your hands on. Also engaging in communities like FetLife or going to local munches or working with a coach if you want to work with someone one-on-one.

Remember we talked about how misinformation is a big one for shame. So educating yourself, actually learning what's real and what's just cultural bullshit is really, really helpful.

Number three is normalizing your fantasies through connection. So this can be tough, but if you have anyone in your life that you can talk to about your fantasies, even some of them, or just like a little bit of them, that's a big step. And that could be a friend, it could be a partner, it could be a coach, it could be a supportive community, like I mentioned, Fetlife or Munches and things like that.

And lucky last is to practice self-compassion. And I know this is a tricky one, especially if you're not great with your self-talk. That's something I'm really working on at the moment. But I just want to remind you that we don't get to choose our turn-ons. We do not get to choose them. And that's okay.

Often our turn-ons are shaped in our, like early, early on in, in childhood, they can be influenced by childhood wounds or unmet needs. this stuff is shaped early within us and we don't have control over that.

The thing we do have control over is what we choose to act on, whether we choose to act on those fantasies or not, or how we choose to act on them. So as long as we are, as long as the actions that we're taking, the parts that are real and in the real world, rather than in our, in our own private imaginations, as long as the actions that we're taking are as safe as possible and they're consensual, then there ain't no, nothing wrong with it. Right?

All right. So to finish up this episode, I hope you've learned something. There might've been some surprises in there. That definitely was for me when I was reading this study. I found it so interesting. but I think the real takeaway is your fantasies are valid and they're probably a lot more common than what society would have you believe. Okay. and your fantasies don't define who you are, right? Your actions do.

All right, so if you would like to read the journal article that I mentioned in this, I will put a link to that in the show notes. also written a blog post with some more, like a summary of this information and maybe some extra bits and pieces in there. You can find that in the show notes or on FetLife or on my website, on my blog. And lastly, I want to leave you with a bit of a discussion prompt or a journaling prompt.

I know a lot of you like to listen to my episodes and talk about them with your partner. Um, which I think is just the biggest, most awesome thing ever that I'm, my podcast is inspiring more conversation. That's the best thing it can possibly do. Um, but if you don't have a partner or a friend that you feel safe talking about this stuff with, you can also.

journal about it or you can think about it in your own head just privately.

So today's discussion prompts are,

What are some sexual fantasies I've had that I felt shame about? And where do I think this shame comes from? So that's number one. And number two, how do I feel about sharing my fantasies with a partner? What fears or hesitations come up?

All right, so something to think about there.

Alright, I think I will leave it there. Thank you so much for listening. It is so good to get back behind the microphone and chatting to you guys in the new year. As I said, I can't wait to bring you some awesome guests hopefully this year, which I'm sure I will.

If this is your first time listening, please hit that follow button so you get notified about new episodes. There's also lots of episodes that you can binge if you'd like to. And if you enjoy my content, please remember to give me a five star rating. Those ratings are anonymous, of course, on both Apple podcasts and Spotify, and they make a huge difference to helping people actually find this show.

So once again, thank you so much for listening. Till next time friends, play safe, have fun, and I will catch you soon.