#79: How to Play with Gender in BDSM

Most people don’t realise just how much gender shapes the way we play in BDSM. Whether we’re leaning into traditional roles—like masculine dominance and feminine submission—or subverting them entirely, gender dynamics influence kink in ways we often don’t even notice.

In this episode of Turns Out I’m Into It, we dive into:

🔹 How gender roles show up in BDSM
🔹 Masculine dominance vs. feminine submission – Why it turns us on
🔹 Subverting gender norms – Femdom, feminisation, and sissification in play
🔹 The shadow self & kink – Why our desires often contradict our vanilla life values
🔹 De-shaming gendered kinks & embracing what excites you
🔹 Practical ways to explore gender roles in BDSM

Journaling Prompts from This Episode

🖊 Want to explore gender in your BDSM play? Use these prompts to reflect on your desires:

• Do I feel more aroused by reinforcing traditional gender roles or subverting them—or both?
• Are there fantasies I’ve been afraid to explore because they challenge how I see myself?
• What aspects of gender am I curious about playing with in a kink setting?

If you loved this episode, leave a 5-star review and share it with your kinky friends! 💜

Transcript

Harley (00:13)
Hey, hey friends, it is Harley Rabbit here. Welcome back to another episode of Turns Out I'm Into It, the show all about helping you discover your kinky self and live your best sex life. Most people don't realize just how much gender shapes the way we play in BDSM.

From hyper-masculine dominance to soft, surrendered femininity, or the thrill of flipping traditional roles completely on their head, Gender is woven into nearly every dynamic, often in ways we don't even notice.

Today we are uncovering the hidden role of gender in why it turns us on, how it influences our desires, how you can use it to unlock some exciting new ways to play.

Before we dive in, I've got a bit of a life update for you this week. So I don't know if you have watched the news recently, but my city in North Queensland was completely inundated with rain over the last week and a half. And we've had major flooding in the city, which has been stressful. Slade and I, fortunately, we weren't affected by the floodwaters, but we

did have and still have some very terrible leaks in our place, which has had to be camping in living room for the last week and a half. The bedroom and my office were just uninhabitable. I don't know if you've ever smelt wet carpet before, but it's pretty nasty, especially in the tropics when it's very warm and everything starts growing. Super gross. So that's been really tough.

the two of us have just literally been living in the one room and I'm, I work from home. So yay for the same four walls for an entire week. fortunately over the weekend, we were able to rip out the carpet in the bedroom and in my office, which I'm hoping it's quite echoey in here now. So I'm hoping that's not too distracting on the podcast.

I literally just threw a doona on the floor to try and absorb some of that echo. cause I've just got exposed concrete floors in here now for the moment, which is kind of cool. We were, we were surprised by how much we didn't mind the, the raw concrete.

but the plan is to rip out the rest of the carpet in the house, over the next few weeks, which is a massive job. There's nothing like pulling up carpet to make you realize how much stuff you have. So been throwing out a whole bunch of stuff. obviously a lot of it was damaged from the mold and the damp. but also just sorting shit out as well. So it's been a very big weekend. and pretty stressful for us, but hopefully things are starting to.

get a bit easier. We've still got water coming in, at least we're able to mop it up with towels now and it's not going into the carpet.

Actually, I will tell you a funny story about the moment that kind of summed up our experience over the last week. We were trying to decide if we would have to pull the carpet out because, you know, knowing it's a massive job and we're like, oh my God, once we get started, there's no going back. Like maybe it'll dry, maybe it'll be okay. And we walked into a bedroom and right next to my beautiful kink cage was a mushroom growing out of the carpet.

Which is horrifying. that was pretty much the moment where we were like, you know what? I think this is not okay. And this carpet has to go. Growing mushrooms out of your bedroom carpet, that has to be the line, right?

That was the moment that really instigated all of that work.

But at least that's all done now. And yeah, as I said, we can, we can manage the leaks until they get properly fixed. trying to get a contractor in, in Townsville is really tricky at the moment. Cause there's just, they're in very high demand as you can imagine.

Anyway, that's my life update for the week.

All right, let's get started with today's episode.

gender in BDSM, fascinating topic, right? We actually covered this in my course recently and I thought, my God, I have to share about this on my podcast because I didn't realize how much of a role gender plays in a lot of BDSM dynamics. But when you look at it, so many of the dynamics either lean into the traditional gender roles. So masculine dominance, feminine submission.

Or they subvert them, flip them on their head. And you have female dominance and male submission, specifically, or particularly feminization, sissification, that kind of stuff.

So today we're going to have a look at all the different ways or many of the different ways that gender shows up in BDSM play. And I'm going to help you understand where it's relevant to you and your own kink identity and also give you some practical advice for those of you who are wanting to explore this further. Now, important disclaimer for this episode. When I talk about gender today, I am referring to cultural stereotypes. Okay. This isn't about what it

means to be masculine or what it actually means to be feminine. This is more about how society influences us and our understanding of gender. Make sense?

okay, so we're going to start with emphasizing gender roles first. So this is your masculine dominance and your feminine submission. So for masculine dominance, when you think about what society deems as masculine, it's often about power, strength, control, technical skill.

being a provider, all of those things.

Now there is lots of examples of these masculine traits in BDSM roles. For example, if you're a rigger and you enjoy tying people up, that is your, you're obviously on the top side of the power dynamic. You're in control. You are demonstrating technical skill. You're providing an experience, all of those juicy things.

Also like physical strength, like holding someone down during play. that can feel really masculine and strong. flogging or spanking someone. Absolutely. giving commands and calling the shots. that's demonstrating that you are in control of the scene.

All of these are traditionally masculine traits.

Now, when I think about my partner, Slade, he definitely fits into this category where he feels the most turned on when he feels like he's in his masculine power. So it's all about emphasizing your masculinity and that making you feel sexy and turned on and hot and all of those yummy things.

Now, I think a lot of newbies who come into BDSM, a lot of the male newbies are drawn to calling themselves a dom because that's the most socially acceptable role in kink. If you're a man, and you're masculine, that makes you a dom, right? So lots of newbies will call themselves doms at first.

and then hopefully as they, explore the scene, they might discover, that they're a switch or maybe they're a submissive or maybe they fit into a different role, or maybe they really are a dom and can embrace everything that that title means.

But I guess the point here is that it's generally a lot easier for men exploring kink to call themselves a dom than it is for them to call themselves a sub. And that is because of society's ideas about masculinity and gender roles. talk about this more a bit later.

Now on the feminine end of the spectrum, when we think about how femininity is represented or understood in society, it's usually about beauty, softness, obedience, fragility, being really sexualized

or objectified and desired. These are all feminine traits.

So if you identify as a female submissive, you are leaning into your traditional gender role. You're actually not just leaning into it, but emphasizing it, exaggerating it. You want to feel all of those feminine qualities really amplified in you. And that's what makes you feel sexy. And I definitely resonate with this one. I'm a female sub. I love to feel sexy and

beautiful and fragile. I like to play with being overpowered in my CNC play. like to feel objectified to the point of like, it's like degrading, like don't see me as a human, just see me as this sex object. That is really hot for me. And that is taking those gender roles and, know, cranking them up to 11, right?

So some more examples of how this could show up in kink is basically the opposite of what I just listed for the male doms. I've got being a rope bottom. So being tied up or being restrained.

That can be about having your power taken away. It can also be about feeling really aesthetically beautiful with ropes on you. held down or physically overpowered.

that kind of play really emphasizes the dynamic, the power dynamic of, you know, female, vulnerable, male, strong.

being spanked or disciplined or punished by an authority. Again, that's leaning into that power dynamic, obeying orders and pleasing your dominant. So pleasing the man is a very...

potent type of play. So even saying that, I can feel my body going, that's a really loaded thing to say that the woman's role is to please the man, right? So in normal society, that would be extremely unequal and unfair or unethical. But in sexy kinky times, in a safe space where everything's consensual and all about exploring our desires,

That can be really, really fun to play with.

Okay, so that's the emphasizing the gender roles. Now I want to talk about subverting them or flipping them on their head. And this is where things get really interesting.

So a really good example of subverting gender roles in BDSM is men who have a feminization kink or a sissification kink. feminization, and this isn't a kink of mine, so I will do my best to explain it, but I haven't quite got it right, please tell me. As I understand it, feminization is when men enjoy wearing feminine clothing,

wearing makeup, wearing wigs, and being seen as beautiful or one of the girls. So they're really embracing their feminine side. then there's sissification, which we just talked about in feminization plus a humiliation aspect. So they're actually, you know, being dressed as, as a woman and being really feminine, but they're also being teased. They're being humiliated for the way they look.

for not quite fitting in as being a girl.

on the other side of this spectrum of subverting gender roles, we have women who want to explore their masculinity. So this could include women who want to try out more dominant roles. Maybe they want to take charge in the bedroom. They want to be the ones calling the shots. They want to be prioritizing their pleasure and their orgasm.

So that is exploring their masculine power, right?

when we talk about men who want to be feminized, it's usually all about wearing feminine clothes and makeup and wigs and things like that. Because that's what we associate with femininity.

But masculinity, what do you think the symbol of masculinity is? Is it the clothes you wear? Is that what makes you masculine? Is it your haircut?

No, the symbol, the biggest symbol of masculinity is a hard cock, right? You don't get much more masculine than that. culturally speaking.

So a lot of women who want to explore their masculine side or have masculine fantasies, they might like to imagine that they have a rock hard cock and they might like to talk about what they're going to do with it, like in a role play or dirty talk situation.

Or they might want to go get a strap on and experience what it's like to have a physical cock. And then they can explore getting blowjobs or pegging, all sorts of really fun stuff there.

at kink through the lens of gender

Next, I want to talk a little bit about shame because as with lots of kinks and fantasies, shame tends to get in the way of us exploring what we want the most or what we're most excited about.

There is a lot of shame that comes up with these types of kinks.

I'm going to give you a few examples now with the exaggerating traditional gender roles side of things.

many women who are naturally submissive struggle with that submission because they think it makes them a bad feminist. They think they are perpetrating patriarchal values because they want to submit to a man or they enjoy being subservient or objectified and that that is like counterproductive to all the progress that that movement has made. So they might feel a lot of guilt there. Right?

Now to speak to this, I want to just quickly talk about something that's really fundamental to de-shaming and understanding your kinks and your desires. So our kinks often come from our shadow. is, Carl Jung talks about everyone having this shadow self. And the shadow is made up of the, all the parts of our personality and desires that we reject. We don't agree with them. So for example, if you really

uh, believe in, gender equality and you really value your independence as a woman and, um, you're very capable and you're very proud of that. Then if there's any parts of you that enjoy being told what to do, or, um, maybe like to be objectified a little bit, they get suppressed because we don't want that in your, it doesn't align with your values in day-to-day life.

And they get suppressed, they don't actually disappear. They just get pushed into this subconscious part of us called the shadow that's made up of all of those things that don't align with who we are now, our real life.

Now, where this gets really interesting is that often our shadow self, it needs to come out somewhere, right? And if we don't integrate it, it can actually be quite harmful and we can, that's where we can self, subconsciously sabotage our if we don't integrate our shadow, because it's just left to fester there in the subconscious. But kink is a really excellent way that we get to integrate our shadow, where we get to bring it

back into our consciousness and let it express itself, right? The reason kink is such a great place to do this is because it's a safe container. It's contained. It's not, it's all pretend. It's not about, it's not impacting our regular day-to-day life.

So that means if you are a really proud feminist and that is part of your core beliefs, you can still enjoy being a submissive woman in the bedroom because you understand it's just pretend and it's for your own desire.

for your own pleasure. And often people like to see it as, I have these kinks because of my values, because they are in direct contrast with my values.

Does that make sense?

So essentially that was a long-winded way of saying, if you are a submissive woman, that does not make you a bad feminist.

And you have every right to enjoy your turn-ons and experience pleasure in whatever way works for you. That is part of being empowered, right?

Okay, so that was a little bit of a tangent, but I think it'll be relevant to all of these as we continue.

So we were talking about exaggerating traditional gender roles. So we're talking about submissive women. What about dominant men? So dominant men who like to lean into their dominance, their power, their masculinity, to feel sexy, to feel turned on.

Lots of men who are wired this way actually feel a lot of shame and fear and guilt around their desires because they think it makes them a bad person, right? Or a predator. They think that having a desire to overpower a woman or tell her what to do makes them a bad person.

And to be honest, if you wanted to do this in a non-consensual way, That would be ethically very questionable. But if you want to do it in a consensual way in kink, that is super hot. And there is so many women out there who will want you to lean into your masculine power. I myself am one of them. One of the most frustrating things I've found

with my sexual partners throughout my life is like, I'm a submissive. want a man to take charge and grab hold of me and throw me around. But a lot of men are terrified of doing that because they're like, no, I want to treat you with respect. I'm like, yeah, you do treat me with respect. That's why I want to fuck you now. Pull my hair. Right.

So I guess what I want to say here is that if you are a dominant man and you have these sexy dominant desires, then it's absolutely okay to let yourself lean into this as long as it's a consensual context, right?

Okay. So what about subverting gender roles? What about those of us who want to flip those gender roles on their head? So for many women who want to explore their masculine side in the sexual realm, a lot of them can feel worried that this will make them unattractive to men or make them intimidating to men. If they want to be the ones to call the shots and to take charge.

Or if they have a fantasy of having a cock themselves and wanting to play with that, they can feel like no man would want that because it's not feminine. Right? but I just wanted to tell you, if that's you, there are so many men out there, submissive men that would find that incredibly sexy.

There's not enough of enough women out there wanting to explore their dominance. So there's a real, supply and demand gap there that if you're a dominant woman, my God, there's a lot of men

that will be so turned on by you expressing your dominance and your masculinity, right? There's nothing wrong with that.

this relates to what I said at the start about these ideas we have about what it means to be a woman and be feminine and sexy.

If you're a woman and you want to play with your masculine energy, does not mean you're wrong or not sexy. You absolutely are. Okay. It just doesn't fit the perfect mold of what society thinks we should be.

Alright, so what about for men who want to explore their feminine side in sex?

This can bring up a lot of shame or fear of judgment in men because basically the one thing men are not allowed to be is.

Like a girl or be a pussy or be a sissy, right? You have to be masculine to be a man.

So if you are a man and you have these feminine fantasies, fantasies about being more feminine, that can be a direct threat to your place in society, your acceptance in the world. So lots and lots of shame can come up there.

This is especially true for straight men who might feel like these fantasies mean that they're gay or that they want to be a woman or like a part of them wants to be a woman. And that can be really, really confusing. So.

What I want to say to that is often when straight men have fantasies about feminization or sissification, they actually want to experience what it's like to be the object of their desire. Okay. So it's because they're attracted to women that they want to experience what it's like to be a woman,

to be on the receiving end of their desire. not saying that's true for everyone, but that is a common reason why straight men can really be turned on by these fantasies. It

it can also be about degradation, humiliation, that side of things, if you're into sissification. So degradation and humiliation come up in a lot of different aspects of kink, whether that's being called names or led around on a leash.

Humiliation plays everywhere in this world.

so of course that's going to come out for some people in.

what would be the most humiliating thing, like being called a girl or being called a sissy. Those feelings of degradation are so potent for some of us that they, if they are attached to your sexuality, then fuck me, that is going to be hot for you, right? It's a really potent feeling.

So to summarize, kink often allows us to explore the parts of ourselves that we've suppressed. The shadow self.

Many kinks arise because they are the opposite to our vanilla life values. They exist because of the shadow. And kink BDSM provides a safe container to explore and integrate those parts of our hidden self.

That's one of the things I love the most about Kink because we get a safe space to explore this and isn't that fascinating?

So I hope that a lot of you are feeling.

bit more accepting of your kinks that might relate to gender roles, whether you're leaning into them or whether you're subverting them. If you are, I'm going to finish off this episode by giving you some practical tips on how you can start exploring this further. Okay?

So if you're super new to this and it's all a lot, but you're really, really curious, but you maybe don't know where to start. I would start with some journaling prompts.

So go home, do some journaling and see what comes up for you. if you're not into journaling and you've got a safe person, these can be really good discussion prompts for you to talk about this with a friend or with a partner.

So the journaling prompts are number one, do I feel more aroused by reinforcing traditional gender roles or subverting them or both? Number two, are there fantasies I've been afraid to explore because they challenge how I see myself? And number three, what aspects of gender am I curious about exploring further? And you can find those in the show notes as well.

Now, if you are feeling ready to start exploring some of this stuff for reals and incorporating it into your play.

I've got some ideas for you to get started. So those of you who want to reinforce your traditional gender roles.

Of course, I would start with exploring power exchange dynamics. So your DS roles. This is where your masculinity is framed as dominance. You're the protector. You're in control. You're the decision maker, the provider, all of that. and femininity is seen as submission. So that's being desired, surrendering control.

being subservient, all of that kind of stuff.

Another fun idea is chivalry play. So if you're into old school romantic dynamics, you might enjoy creating some formal protocols, incorporating some acts of service.

If you're a submissive, maybe you might like to kneel beside your dominant. You need to wait for permission to do things. Maybe you serve your partner his meal first, all that kind of stuff.

Think like, really sexist, old school stuff. Which is, again, it's not okay in real life, but in Kink, there's lots of fun stuff to play with there.

You also might like to play with, if you're into the more protector dynamic, then daddy doms, that can be very nurturing and protective, parental, that kind of thing. And the last one I have here is primal play.

So that's your predator prey type dynamics where the man might be chasing or hunting their female prey. And when they catch them, they will claim them.

So that can be really fun as well.

For those of you who want to try subverting gender roles,

women who want to explore their masculinity, want you to try taking up a bit more space in the bedroom. I mean that like in your confidence, in your in like asking for what you want, giving commands, prioritizing your pleasure.

getting in touch with your masculine side. And if you want to take that further, have a bit of a fantasize about what it'd be like to have your own cock. How would that feel? What would you do with it? Or if you want to get really fun, head down to your local sex shop and get yourself a strap on and see how it really feels to wield a big cock.

For the men listening who want to explore feminization or sissification, you can start by experimenting with some female clothing, or you could let your partner choose your outfits. You could get yourself a wig. You could choose a gendered name for yourself,

So a very feminine, feminine, like beautiful name or a very sissy name,

whatever feels good for you.

All right. I hope I've given you some fun ideas to explore. And I hope you've got a better understanding of how gender roles affect kink. Right? When you start looking at it through that lens, you can see it everywhere. Super interesting.

and very relevant to the shadow work that we do.

All right. So I hope you have enjoyed this episode. I'll probably do a writing and a blog post on this one. So if you're on FetLife, you can join the discussion over there and leave me a comment. Or you can do that on my blog, HarleyRabbit.com. Or you can drop me a DM, let me know what you thought of this episode. I'm always really like, yeah, this stuff is such a diverse space. So I'm always like, I learned so much from hearing.

your stories and your insights as well.

All right, I will leave it there for now. Thank you so much for listening. Till next time, play safe, have fun, and stay curious.